Padding

One of the earliest memories I have, and one that I think may have turned me onto fat men, was padding myself. The first time, I was in third or fourth grade and was playing with a friend. For whatever reason, we were pretending to be fat. When she left, I kept playing. I guess I liked how it felt.

After that day, I went out of my way to do it pretty frequently. The hall's linen closet was right outside my room, and I remember sneaking out and grabbing a bunch of sheets and pillows to stuff into my dad's big clothes. I would try more and more each time, trying to get myself to look like a massively fat man.

The reason I bring this up is, I was farting around with my boyfriend on the sofa and stuck a little throw pillow under my shirt. Something about the feeling of that extra size was extremely nice. Just resting my hand on it, or walking around with it made me feel really good. I took some pictures, and this one in particular makes me pretty hungry. The idea that I'll soon look like this, but with a real gut under that shirt is very motivating.

Black Hole

From my last post, I decided to take a chance and try something new. I've heard many people talk about the supplement Black Hole, which supposedly increases your appetite. Now, naturally I'm skeptical of any product that makes a claim like that, so I tried to approach it with low expectations. I totally failed in that regard, but thankfully I wasn't disappointed.

I've only been using it for a couple of days, but I can see the effects. The product works by tricking your brain into thinking you haven't consumed enough calories yet, letting you eat past the limit you would usually reach when eating. For example, normally I can down about a half of a large pizza in one sitting, and the other day I made myself eat the entire thing. It wasn't easy, per se, but you could argue that I couldn't force myself to do that normally.

So, I'll continue to use it. I've cleaned my plate in every meal I've had so far, and I've never really felt full. I'm trying to think of big meals I can make myself that I couldn't finish before. Perhaps a box of Krispy Kreme...

Anyway, I know a lot of you are looking for picture updates. I don't have much to show right at the moment, but I'll take some good ones after a really big meal using these pills. These are just some quick snapshots before work. Forgive the wrinkly shirt and the shag'd hair. Right now I weigh just under 230lbs. I certainly don't look trim, so I figure if I'm going to look fat on the cruise, I might as well look really fat. Don't you think?

Forming a Plan

I've pretty much resided myself to gaining again this winter--I want to keep an almost-swimsuit body for the cruise I'm going on next month. Once school starts up again, and we move into our new place (with a much nicer kitchen), I'll give it another go.

Being completely honest, one of the things that made me stop gaining was my boyfriend. Our situation is pretty interesting. When it comes to body types, we both like fat and muscle, but have a slight preference for one over the other. Obviously he prefers muscle over fat, and was missing my slimmer body.

I do miss my bigger body, and I miss the changes I was experiencing. I'll go for another year of gaining and see what comes of it. Talking to a lot of you gainers has really swayed me to do it again. I would love for the encouraging to continue, it's unbelievably convincing.

It's you guys who remind me of the body I really want, and to help me to keep looking past my doubts. I know deep down the body I want. I guess that's all there is to it.

I do need to change something about my gaining for this go, though. I was really struggling to put on weight earlier this year. I haven't quite grown out of my pickiness, as my boyfriend can attest to, and on top of that I've probably lost some of my stomach capacity.

So, until I really get back into it, I'll be thinking of new things to try. I'm sure some of you guys out there have some secrets to share.