I've found that milestones are so very important to keep motivated. Not only the typical 200, 250, etc milestones, but many smaller ones too. Moving up clothing sizes, breaking furniture, you name it.
I just recently passed one of my most anticipated milestones: doubling my starting weight of 140. It's absolutely crazy to think that I ever weighed so little, and it reaffirms my drive to keep pushing on.
So, to celebrate, I went a bit crazy with some photos. I found a few articles of clothing that I hadn't seen in years, so I tried them on and snapped some photos--and a video of another milestone!
Check them out on my updated Tumblr. I'll be posting progress pictures and sighting there now, as my poor Flickr account is almost full.
http://stupidgit.tumblr.com/
Double the Git
Conflicts
Apologies for the dry spell of posts, again. I'm back to making progress with my gains again, however. This morning, I tipped the scales at just under 275. A couple long-awaited progress photos have been posted to my Flickr page here.
I guess I'm just at a point that I wonder what direction to take this blog in, again. I've been blogging for just over four years now. In that time, I've consistently wobbled between a 'gaining advice' blog to a 'personal gaining journal/dairy'--sometimes due to my inability to gain, sometimes because I just don't have anything to talk about. And once again, I neither have the ideas for advice, nor the stomach to go on and on about my own progress at the moment.
Gaining is an innately selfish act. You're working solely to improve your appearance, against what everyone else believes to be what is 'good looking.' And, as with anything, attention is addicting. One of my biggest fears is becoming a egomaniac, and I started to really notice just how much I talk about myself. I would never talk about myself in person as much as I talk about myself on the web. Perhaps it's good that indulge in that every once in a while, but for some reason it rubs me the wrong way, right now.
This feeling, coupled with the amount of writing I do at my work now somewhat killed my motivation to post here for the moment. On top of that, all of this microblogging on Twitter and Grommr prevents any real ideas for posts to form. I've had several topics I wanted to discuss, but for the life of me I just can't remember them.
So, bear with me for a bit here, folks. I'll still be on Grommr and the like, I just need some time to think about the blog.
Clothing, Milestones, and Clothing Milestones
I officially broke 260 for the first time this morning! Three months after moving, I've porked up by over 40 pounds! I feel absolutely great; there's nothing quite like reaching new milestones--and since it's been over two years since this last happened, forgive me if I take a break from the usual pondering that I do every week and do a bit of self-indulging!
So, I snapped a bunch of photos of some of my old favorites and put them up on my Flickr, which you can see here. Click the photos for links to me wearing the same clothes from years ago!
On to 270!
Seeing is Believing
I'm a pretty severe introvert. I love nothing more on a weekend evening than to just sit around the house and draw or play a video game. When someone invites me out, my gut reaction is to make up an excuse and avoid going. I had a few friends in college, but as they graduated and moved away, I didn't feel like making new ones.
As a result, I'd never actually met up with a gainer before. Back in Kentucky, my poor friend Aaron had to basically stalk me to get me to meet up with him. It was literally more likely that we ran into each other by coincidence than intentionally. I regretted this horribly when I finally moved away, because I had missed out on the one thing that I was dying to do--touch a big man's gut.
That sounds rather creepy putting it like that, but I had never once felt a big guy's belly in my own hands. I grew up with a fat father, I ogled big guys on the street and I drew men at impossibly fat weights, but I never truly knew what it would feel like, even if it wasn't my own fat.
Aaron was actually in town last weekend for the second DC Grommoff, and I knew I couldn't pass up the opportunity this time. I decided that, in moving here, I would try and come out of my shell a bit and start making some friends.
This picture means so much to me. This is the first step for me becoming more social. I'm so glad I went. All the guys in this picture are such nice people and I will never forget that day. I made so many friends that I hope I will be able to hang out with many more times in the future.
The thing that stood out to me the most, though, was how much bigger people are in person compared to their photos. I actually ran into Aaron and Mr. SFBayDude02 himself in the subway, and I was blown away at how big they were. I spotted them from two train cars away! It really reminded me just how much I have to grow before I can really consider myself 'big.'
And of course, everyone there was open to belly rubs, (hell, that's why most of us came, I bet!) so I finally got my chance to feel what a 400-pound belly felt like. It was glorious, if I can gush. It really changed my thoughts about big guys--my daydreams and drawing ideas feel much more real now. Most importantly, my desire to grow that to that size has been reaffirmed ten-fold. As great it was to finally feel a massive belly in my hands, I want it for myself!
An Old Nemesis (Again)
Last week I didn't write up a post, but I hit 238 again. I was getting all worked up about the thought of returning to my old nemesis weight--240. When I first hit 240, it was after months of work and it was very satisfying at the time, but soon it became clear that 240 was going to be a long plateau. A few times I managed to crawl up near 250, but the weight was quickly lost if I made any mistakes.
This time, I knew for sure, would be different. I'd made such solid progress so far, I knew I could break through that wall for good this time. I was psyching myself up, and I had a plan that I was going to write up for this journal, but I was worried about reaching 240 in time that I checked early.
I suppose it shouldn't be such a shock, given how much I've been eating. The size of my meals are getting so much bigger than what I considered 'a lot' before. This size is somewhat familiar, too, although maybe a bit shifted about. My old big legs are back, along with my butt. My love handles are much more noticeable this time around, though, and I like to think that perhaps my chest is too. I took a bunch of pictures and a video to try and get a glimpse of just what's different this time. (View them here)
I think I might feel mixed feelings because it wasn't the challenge I was expecting, but I have no reason to be upset. I'm officially eight pounds away from my highest ever weight. I'm absolutely dying to reach new territory. The feeling I got way back in 2007 and 2008 of reaching new weights--I can't wait to feel that again.
One Month
I'm officially four weeks back into gaining and I've put on 16 pounds! Not to say it was easy, but I'm blown away at how steady the gain has been and I just hope that it will continue. My immediate goal is to get to 250 again, and my eyes are so fixed on that goal.
Another thing is now that I have a desk job, I'm free to snack as I work. I've loaded my work bag with crackers and cookies and junk that I bought from a bulk food store and I make sure to have 2 or 3 things a day, depending on how busy I am. I try to make it a routine, so that when, say, it gets to around 10:30am and I haven't eaten anything, it doesn't feel right.
Another thing I found at the bulk food store is bulk cases of Ensure Plus. Now, I don't recommend this as a cost-effective thing to supplement your diet, but now that I have a bit of spare cash, I decided to splurge. They're about $30 for a case of 24, but they're the perfect size to suck down 350 calories once in the morning before work and once before bed.
Eating before bed is also another thing. Before, I kind of went overboard with eating before lying down and that leads to a lot of discomfort. I've found a good balance of having just a reasonably-sized meal and waiting about 10 or 15 minutes before is perfect.
If I can just keep this up, in just over a month I should be nearing that evil 250. With the amount of encouragement I've gotten, especially from the guys on Grommr, I think I can do it!
Week Three
I'm definitely settling into a consistent groove, here. Things are progressing very well and I'm nearing my old nemesis weight of 240 again. Things feel different this time, though. It is significantly easier this time around to keep myself eating and meeting my calorie goals every day.
It really is a combination of things, is the best I can offer. Settling into a routine of eating at the same time every day. Keeping snacks handy and a stocked kitchen. Making a meal something you can't wait for, instead of something you need to remind yourself to do.
But there's something else this time. I don't know what it is, but it's something. Maybe it's the re-emergence of a new online gainer social community (which if you haven't joined yet, get on it!!) full of huge men to admire. Maybe it's that I have a desk job. Maybe it's as simple as having more money now.
At least, even if I can't explain why, I'm finally getting fat again. It's time to reach new heights.
Week Two
I'm deep enough into my gaining now that I've settled into a routine. Having a 9-to-5 job (and the money that comes with it) really helps, not only because I'm sitting on my rump all day. After squeezing into my pants, I have a quick breakfast, and make sure to pack all kinds of snacks in my bag before I leave. After snacking all day and a big lunch, by the end of each day I leave feeling bigger than when I arrived.
I'm not sure if it's this routine or if it's my own growing desire for size, but it feels easier to stay on track this time around. I've been recording all of my calories and I haven't missed a goal yet. As a result, I'm falling in love with my body again. I'm doing my best not to get too prideful, because I still have a long way to go, but I think I have quite a lot to be proud of so far.
On a related note, some people were asking for progress pictures, so I took a handful the other night, and even a video because I felt the pictures weren't doing justice. They can be found on my Flickr page here.
A Fresh Start
Looks like I'm back at it again!
This time last year, there were many aspects of my life that I wanted to change. I wanted a better job, a better apartment in a better town with more opportunities and, of course, a better body--and I was only really working towards one of those. And without the others, I would never achieve what I wanted. So, I put my gaining dreams on hold, as much as it pained me. I watched the pounds slip away so very quickly as I put more focus on employment. Without constant attention, I couldn't even maintain the weight I had gained. I lost so much weight that I had to poke three holes in my belt to get my work clothes to fit me. My self esteem seemed to dip as my weight neared 200lbs again.
But yet, I pressed on and made the best of it. I worked out much more frequently to give myself a nice muscular base to build on, and daydreamed about my plans for when I eventually restarted my gaining. As a result, I started doodling quite a bit, and began posting to deviantART. That gave me a lot of motivation.
Now, as I type this, I'm in an amazing apartment in a high rise outside Washington, DC. My cousin had a wonderful connection to a company that was absolutely perfect for me, and I just started there yesterday. Things have very fortuitously turned out for the best, after all my hard work, so now I feel like putting some of that work into getting bigger again.
I may still have my metabolism to work against, but the apartment complex we live in has a great free gym, there's a huge mirror in my bedroom for measuring progress, and I'm making enough money to stock my fridge, I'd say I've got a good shot this time.
Shapes
I finally got around to joining that growingguys website. It's really nice to see all my favorite big guys in one place--very inspiring to say the least. I wanted to thank everyone who greeted me and send messages, it was very flattering.
Unfortunately, working so hard at that damn job has cause me to lose a noticeable amount of weight recently. Since my diet hasn't changed a bit, I suppose that just means I'm burning more calories. I've adjusted my intake goals accordingly, so I've no worries. As far as the work goes, I don't have as many belly sightings as I did at my previous post, but I suppose I don't hate it that much. I've still got hopes for the next year or so, so they haven't crushed my spirit just yet.
On the plus side, though, I've gotten in pretty good shape over the past month. Between the few days of cardio I do a week and all the running about I do at work, I'm rarely winded anymore. On top of that, my muscles are just about to the point where they were when I lost real gym access, and my chest has grown to the point that I can't stop playing with it. If I suck in my gut enough, it almost looks like I'm an off-season gym rat or something. A little:
I don't much like that side of me, though. It's too focused on what I feel like everyone thinks I should look like. I'd rather go for what I want to look like.
Gym Fat
I recently rediscovered the little 'gym' in my apartment complex. They added this nifty cable machine that covers my needs pretty well, so I started going a few times a week. It's usually empty at night, which is a little creepy, but I don't much mind.
It had been almost 9 months since I last worked out. The day after I first went there, I literally couldn't get out of bed my arms were so sore. Not having a free full-service gym like I had in college really discourages you from going--that and when it's cold I never feel like leaving the apartment. But I had forgotten how much healthier (and bigger) going to the gym makes me feel.
I had always wanted to make sure I have a big upper body to match my lower half. (In a perfect world, something like Dozerbear's) So far it seems to be working well. I measured my chest last night to find it was 51" around--two inches bigger than my gut. I never really thought of myself as having a big chest, but I'm starting to notice it more and more. The giant mirror in that workout room certainly helps.
Oh, and this morning the scale told me 250lbs! I'm going to wait until tomorrow to start celebrating, though--just in case.
Enamored
Lately I've been infatuated with the physics of my belly. I'm starting to notice how it moves with me, how it gets in the way, and it makes me daydream about how it will feel when I'm bigger. The more attention I pay to it, the easier it becomes to imagine sizes like 300, 400. I like to think I don't romanticize it, but I can't help lusting over those sizes.
I love it. I love every little change that comes about from my growth. I want more. More growth, more changes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I love what I see more and more. Whenever I take a photo with my camera, though, it looks smaller. I've always had that problem--the camera always seemed to take weight off of my frame (and put it in my head, apparently). I'll keep trying though.
The Curse of 240
This 'rule' is what I've been basing my new diet on. I aim to eat 4000 calories a day. It's actually been a very easy target to achieve, given the resources. Under no circumstance am I ever to eat less than 2500 calories a day. Even if I'm sick and vomiting. Even if there's no food in the house. This way I should never see a decline in my weight, and theoretically gain about three pounds a week.
Then again, it's rarely worked for me like that in actuality. There've been times in the past where I've gained a lot faster than I should have and of course there have been times where I've eaten 10-pounds-worth of calories and not seen a change at all.
Since starting this diet two weeks ago I have almost gained the six pounds I should have, but on the other hand, I'm really tired of seeing 240. I've hit this milestone probably a dozen times--the first time being nearly two years ago! I would have been ecstatic to see 241. Or even 240.1. But my new scale proudly announced two-hundred and forty.
I never want to see that number again. Ever.
I'm going to go eat.
Resolutions
2009 wasn't a very good year for New Year's resolutions. Typically I give myself pretty achievable tasks, but this past year apparently was too rough to even achieve those. Of course, the biggest thing was my weight. The entire year, I waffled between 235 and 250 pounds like a car stuck in the mud.
I've set up an Excel file to track my calories each day and week. If I don't hit my minimum by a certain time at night, I have to make an emergency run to Burger King or something and get what I need. No excuses. Time to get firm with myself.
I managed to snag my father's Gorillapod for my camera, so I'll be able to take some more exciting photos. I'm going to be taking a lot of progress photos, if this all goes to plan.
2010 will be the year I hit 300.
Outerwear
I used to really hate winter. Well, I still do (what's the point in snow now that it can't cancel class?), but I used to hate winter because it forced all the studly college boys to cover their bodies with bulky jackets and such. Now, I don't mind so much. A truly large guy's size is actually accentuated by a nice jacket or hoodie, I've found. Plus it also makes me look bigger than I actually am.
Needless to say, that day turned out very well. It's amazing what a little boost in self-confidence can do for your productivity.
Beer Belly
About two months ago, my boyfriend and I were out at Sonic getting a late-night snack. On the way back, we passed a nearby night club that was absolutely packed with people. As we creeped along in front of it, careful not to run over the stumbling clubbers making their way in and out, I spotted next to the door the largest man I'd ever seen. He was definitely the bouncer of the place, perched on a stool with a gut that went out to his knees.
Of course, I was blown away at the sight, but more surprisingly my boyfriend seemed to be as well. He made a comment about how many beers I'd have to drink to get a gut that size and challenged me to start drinking a few every night.
Now, these events are rare for my boyfriend. He loves big men, but rarely does he see someone in person that strikes his fancy. So I promised him and myself I would start doing just that. Because we're still low on funds, I settled for cheap stuff like Budweiser but I've grown used to the taste (as many Americans have, I assume) and took to drinking a little more each night.
I had never drank beer before in such quantities, as I wasn't such a partier in college, but I had visions of soon being able to chug a pitcher of the stuff in one go, a la that movie Beer Fest. So over the past weeks, that's what I've been going for. It has gotten a lot easier to chug as I go along--right now I can do about a half a can before the 'beer shivers' set in (or whatever they're called).
There've been a lot of articles on whether or not drinking beer really leads to abdominal obesity. In 2003, this BBC article reports on the Czech (my ancestors!) study of beer drinkers and found no link between the amount of beer they drank and their waist size. A year later though, they reported that there was a link found between waist size and binge drinking. So basically, drinking beer doesn't necessarily cause a beer belly, but drinking large amounts in one sitting can.
I can certainly see the reasoning behind this. Drinking six or seven beers really stretches my stomach to new limits. I feel absolutely enormous when I do it (here's some lazy mirror shots--I don't know if you can tell a difference, but I certainly felt bigger than I looked), and on top of that it seems to increase my capacity to eat. It's an absolutely wonderful thing to experience and hopefully these results will only get better.
Vertical Stripes
If you haven't noticed by the clothes I typically wear in photos, I'm not much for formal attire. In fact, I'd much rather be unemployed than work somewhere I'd have to wear a tie at. This internship I have is at a rather high-end skyscraper downtown, so I was begrudgingly forced to buy some nicer clothes. And while I have to suffer through wearing a belt that digs into my belly when I sit and uncomfortable shoes, I got myself something I think all big guys look good in: vertical striped dress shirts.
They don't have to have stripes, but those certainly add to the appeal, in my opinion. I bought myself two extremely comfortable shirts and damn if I don't feel extra attractive when I wear them. Something about how they drape over a belly, with just the slightest bit of pressure on the buttons... it's a total weakness. And that's just the start of it.
I snapped a couple pictures of myself in one of them, as well as an old size M shirt I used to wear to church or something back in the day. They sure show off any progress I may have made in the past weeks, if any. They both seem sort of ill-fitting, as I was pretty bloated with beer that evening--I suppose that makes it a better example of what I was talking about, though.
Rebound
It's amazing what a simple trip to the doctor can fix. I got prescribed Prilosec for my heartburn, even if that wasn't the main reason I went, and it's done wonders already. I should have tried the stuff when I had the chance, but I misread the price and dosing and all that.
But that's all in the past now, I suppose. Now that my throat doesn't clog up when I eat, I'm able to eat much larger meals without any real trouble. Meals that I couldn't finish just a couple weeks ago are a snap to finish now. I also picked up some weight gain powder at the new Vitamin Shoppe that's opened up in town, so things are looking good. My weight is steadily recovering, and I hope to be back to 250 soon.
I had to put this new appetite to the test, though. I always thought that pizza was a good measuring point for my capacity. When I was little, I could only have a couple of slices, and in my early months of gaining I could force myself to finish one large on an empty stomach. Before now, I was back down to just a half of a large, but with that fixed, I wondered if I could go back to a full one. The results? Success! Not even on an empty stomach, even. It took me quite some time, but by the end of it I wasn't ready to explode. Just comfortably content, and proud. I'd call that progress.
College
Boy, college was certainly good to me. I can't believe it's already been four years. So much has changed since I started but it feels now like it was only yesterday.
When I was feeling all nostalgic, I remembered the pictures my parents had taken of me when they moved me into my first dorm room. Sifting through all my old emails from my mother (and believe me, there are a LOT of them) I managed to find them. I couldn't believe how different I looked--almost like a completely different person. Back in those pictures, I was so nervous about everything, and very self-conscious. When I see them I can feel all that emotion again.
The Hunt for Shorts
Okay, so, I've always had a big butt. I admit it. Even at 140 pounds I did. I would have weighed even less if it weren't for my legs, which were a bit disproportionally muscular. This is due to an embarrassing nighttime habit I had as a child all the way up until high school. When I was working with my extremely gay boss before I had gained anything, he said I had a pretty 'ghetto booty.' Keep in mind, this is what I looked like (I wore that exact thing on a regular basis there)
Gaining weight is slowly making it come into proportion, I think. Unfortunately, it's still kind of hard to find pants that fit because of it. Take, for example, my old brown shorts that you've seen a lot here. (Best example: in these posts) They fit fine for the longest time, but slowly just got a bit uncomfortable. I can still put them on, but what (typically with all my pants) happens is that the back gets very tight and the front is very loose. I don't mind until I sit down.
So no luck was had a Walmart last night--you haven't seen horror until you've been to a Kentucky Walmart--and the prices at Casual Male XL are just absurd ($98 for a pair of shorts? Really?) and both of those places are just so... lame. Their clothes are for older, more professional fat men. Where's the semi-stylish clothes for fat young guys? I know I'm not the only one.
Edit - Don't get me wrong guys, I'm not complaining. I'm actually pretty giddy that I'm outgrowing some stores. I'm just worried I'm going to lose my last pair of shorts before I can find another!
