What a week this was. I ended up gaining a bit over six pounds, due in large part to a big day of eating on Wednesday. I ended up eating over 8000 calories that day, but I don't think I could have done it without my boyfriend's encouragement.
For those of you who don't know, he and I have been together nearly six years now. We met through my drawings and our mutual love of big men. He, though, much preferred muscle over fat. He knew that I preferred the opposite, but for the first few years of our relationship, he had no idea that I wanted to be fat.
I remember the day I told him about the idea. We were both stuck at our homes (mine in Kentucky, his in Colorado) during summer break. I had brought up the idea before he left, and we were talking about it over instant messages. He seemed to have really gotten into the idea, and we were talking about how to approach gaining when we moved into our new apartment that fall. He said some things that were so encouraging and memorable, I kept a Word file of quotes that I still have to this day.
Once we moved into our first apartment and actually started, though, his excitement somewhat faded away. Not being much of an affectionate man to begin with, our online interactions didn't translate well into actual life (as I'm sure many people in long-distance relationships can attest to). He started worrying about my health, and I could tell that he missed my trim, lean body as it started to plump up. On top of this, he was trying to lose weight himself, so it was understandably hard for him to encourage me to gain while he was struggling with his own body issues.
Still, he supported me. He never suggested that I stop and lose weight for his sake. All he wanted was for me to be happy. It was difficult gaining without real support, though, so I turned to the internet for some encouragement. This is why I have been blogging for so long--the compliments and encouragement I get here and from people I chat with somewhat made up for not having a dedicated encourager.
However, lately, things seem to have changed a bit with him. At work recently, he admitted that he was getting more turned on by my regained heft--and the morph I did of myself. It really has started to feel like the bigger I get, the more he gets into the idea of me being even bigger. On my 8000 calorie day, he was the one who suggested we go out to eat a big meal, and he wouldn't let us leave until I cleared my plate--and even after, he made us get dessert.
I can't tell you how turned on I was, it was an amazing feeling. Gaining because you want to, and gaining because your partner wants you to are on two vastly different levels of encouragement. I know I am very lucky to have this guy, with or without him playing the role of feeder/encourager.
It makes me wonder, though, about gainers in relationships. Is it better to look for an encourager as a partner, or should you only bring up the idea of gaining after you find someone you have a connection with? This, however, is a complicated topic for another day--I must get back to eating.
Gaining an Encourager
An Old Nemesis (Again)
Last week I didn't write up a post, but I hit 238 again. I was getting all worked up about the thought of returning to my old nemesis weight--240. When I first hit 240, it was after months of work and it was very satisfying at the time, but soon it became clear that 240 was going to be a long plateau. A few times I managed to crawl up near 250, but the weight was quickly lost if I made any mistakes.
This time, I knew for sure, would be different. I'd made such solid progress so far, I knew I could break through that wall for good this time. I was psyching myself up, and I had a plan that I was going to write up for this journal, but I was worried about reaching 240 in time that I checked early.
I suppose it shouldn't be such a shock, given how much I've been eating. The size of my meals are getting so much bigger than what I considered 'a lot' before. This size is somewhat familiar, too, although maybe a bit shifted about. My old big legs are back, along with my butt. My love handles are much more noticeable this time around, though, and I like to think that perhaps my chest is too. I took a bunch of pictures and a video to try and get a glimpse of just what's different this time. (View them here)
I think I might feel mixed feelings because it wasn't the challenge I was expecting, but I have no reason to be upset. I'm officially eight pounds away from my highest ever weight. I'm absolutely dying to reach new territory. The feeling I got way back in 2007 and 2008 of reaching new weights--I can't wait to feel that again.
One Month
I'm officially four weeks back into gaining and I've put on 16 pounds! Not to say it was easy, but I'm blown away at how steady the gain has been and I just hope that it will continue. My immediate goal is to get to 250 again, and my eyes are so fixed on that goal.
Another thing is now that I have a desk job, I'm free to snack as I work. I've loaded my work bag with crackers and cookies and junk that I bought from a bulk food store and I make sure to have 2 or 3 things a day, depending on how busy I am. I try to make it a routine, so that when, say, it gets to around 10:30am and I haven't eaten anything, it doesn't feel right.
Another thing I found at the bulk food store is bulk cases of Ensure Plus. Now, I don't recommend this as a cost-effective thing to supplement your diet, but now that I have a bit of spare cash, I decided to splurge. They're about $30 for a case of 24, but they're the perfect size to suck down 350 calories once in the morning before work and once before bed.
Eating before bed is also another thing. Before, I kind of went overboard with eating before lying down and that leads to a lot of discomfort. I've found a good balance of having just a reasonably-sized meal and waiting about 10 or 15 minutes before is perfect.
If I can just keep this up, in just over a month I should be nearing that evil 250. With the amount of encouragement I've gotten, especially from the guys on Grommr, I think I can do it!
Week Three
I'm definitely settling into a consistent groove, here. Things are progressing very well and I'm nearing my old nemesis weight of 240 again. Things feel different this time, though. It is significantly easier this time around to keep myself eating and meeting my calorie goals every day.
It really is a combination of things, is the best I can offer. Settling into a routine of eating at the same time every day. Keeping snacks handy and a stocked kitchen. Making a meal something you can't wait for, instead of something you need to remind yourself to do.
But there's something else this time. I don't know what it is, but it's something. Maybe it's the re-emergence of a new online gainer social community (which if you haven't joined yet, get on it!!) full of huge men to admire. Maybe it's that I have a desk job. Maybe it's as simple as having more money now.
At least, even if I can't explain why, I'm finally getting fat again. It's time to reach new heights.
