Wow, I didn't expect such a response to that last post. Thanks you guys, for all your input. It's nice to now that everyone doesn't think I should just blow ahead, full-steam like nothing will go wrong. There were a variety of responses, and I read and took them all in, for sure.
Rest assured that I'm going to try to be realistic about all this. That 400 pound meter over there isn't so much of a goal as it is an upper-bound, so to speak. If I were ever to get near that weight, I don't think I would pass it. But it's hard to quantify what I want, really. I want to feel big, I want people to be aware of me, to need to make way for me when I pass by. It's very hard to explain, and I try to show it in drawings that I do from time to time, but like I keep saying, its very hard for me to picture myself bigger. All I have, really, are videos and pictures of men I consider attractive.
It's nice to dream about looking like those men, but I'm tired of dreaming. And I'm not going to stop out of fear that something might happen, I've given up on too many dreams in my life because of that. And as nice as it would be to achieve that dream easily, I don't think I would appreciate it as much. I don't want to ever forget what how hard I've worked to get there, which is why this blog exists. It's become surprisingly hard to remember my pre-college weight.
So again, thank you all for your support. I'm very lucky to have such a supportive group out there cheering me on. I apologize for being unable to reply to comments on here, but you can always email or IM me if you would like to talk.
More Thanks
Doubts
I'll admit, sometimes I do have second thoughts about all this. It is definitely a big decision to make, and because it takes so much time I have plenty of opportunities to change my mind. There are some little things that make me feel that way every so often. Every so often, the boyfriend misses being bigger than me and my abnormally-low body fat percentage. And sometimes I do too, but not too often.
From the start, I've had two main worries. The first being how my weight would impact my job, which won't be too much of a problem now, I don't think. The second was a much bigger worry, and that of course is health. All the time I see new studies about how being fat will cause some disease, the latest being how belly fat leads to dementia. I'm very paranoid about diabetes or heart problems, even though it doesn't run in my family. Heck, its extremely rare if people in my family don't live past 100.
Gainers don't really talk about health problems too much, I've noticed. This could be because it really isn't that common, or they just deny the risk because its discouraging. Gainers and encouragers I talk to all say "Oh, you work out. You'll be fine." I don't think its enough that I work out. All the talk seems to be that problems arise just being overweight. Still, it could be the case that obesity leads to a lot of problems because obese individuals got that way because of really unhealthy habits.
Either way, its better to be safe than sorry. I've started doing cardio every time I go to the gym to keep my heart healthy, and I'll get the nerve up to go get regular check-ups (I'm worried I already have a problem I don't know about.) And because most of these health problems arise later in life, I won't rule out the possibility of dropping weight as I get older.
It's all still up in the air. I don't even know if I'll like how I'll look when I get very heavy, but everyone seems to think I will. When I was little, everyone said how hard it would be for me to gain weight and that my frame was too small to be a large man. Nowadays everyone seems to think the opposite. Also, someone was nice enough to give me a preview of "the next 50 or so pounds" by morphing one of my latest pictures. Not bad!
100 pound timeline
Using pictures from my workout days as well as pictures I've taken since started gaining, I've put together a timeline of my 100 pound gain with a picture from every 10 pounds. It's like I'm growing in front of your very eyes! Almost.
I apologize for the length!
To be continued!
Photo and Video updates
After a nice pizza and beer dinner, I decided now was a good time to take some pictures and make a video. Enjoy!
My old work shirt from three years ago.
My old workout shirt. Its hard to breathe in these things.
A 240lb Surprise
I guess you guys were right when you said that I'd start gaining again before I knew it. For some reason, in bed this morning I thought about how it would be a welcome change of pace if I woke up and finally weighed 240. Lo and behold, when I stepped on the scale with an empty stomach, its like it read my mind. I used our old scale too, just to make sure and it agreed. (I tried the first one again later and it changed its mind, but we'll ignore that.)
Unfortunately, my poor boyfriend has been really sick lately, so I won't be able to take pictures or make a video until he gets better. Hopefully I don't catch what he has and lose what I've gained in the past weeks. But I've got all sorts of things planned to post here, so keep an eye out. Also, any last-minute suggestions for the video are welcome.
I took some pictures for proof and for my own satisfaction.
The scale that loves to change its mind.
This is actually a more accurate view from my end.
The second opinion.
Hunger
On a few occasions lately, I've come home from school very hungry, and decided to get some fast food. When I get back to the apartment, I woof it all down without much thought. After finishing, I remember thinking, "man, I wish I could be this hungry all of the time..." That must be what it is like for those who say they have a "weight problem." Constantly thinking about food, eating things without much consciousness of it... must be so nice!
So, I've thought about the concept of hunger lately. Rob (my boyfriend) says being full is mostly mental. He thinks that when I can't finish a big plate of food, its because I'm thinking about how much I have left to eat and how daunting it is. The feeling of "fullness" comes from that; your brain telling you that you've had enough, I suppose. I can certainly see the validity in that. My eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach, and the desire to just keep eating is there, even when I feel too full to move. But even if I were able to have large meals, I still don't think about food enough, and I don't know how to change that. Even as I write this, I'm pretty hungry, but I don't feel the need to eat. I still need to force myself to eat.
I need to change that somehow. I would do anything for that state of being--to have almost constant hunger, to always be thinking about food. It's always been an object of fantasy for me, as it was often a theme in cartoons when I was a kid. Characters would just throw food down their throat until it was gone, and naturally end up pounds heavier. It's also a great theme for weight gain stories, such as the one Rob and I worked on together not too long ago.
But what can I do to achieve that? I've heard talk of hypnosis, or subliminal messages. I've also seen products claiming to be appetite enhancers, such as "Black Hole" that I've been curious to try. But being something that very few people desire, I'm sure that there's not much out there to enhance someone's appetite. Perhaps my only option is to grow into that state of mind with time.
I hope that it isn't though. When it comes to my gluttony, I'm very impatient.
