Confliction

Just like I have moods when I'm drawing, I have different moods when it comes to thinking about my body. Right now, probably because I've lost a bit of weight, I miss being fatter. Looking at my pictures on here, and all the compliments I get on them makes me just want to gain it all back and more right now.

But its a conflicting thing. When I was fatter, I would look in the mirror sometimes and think that I would look better with just muscle. And now I look in the mirror and I miss my little gut. I guess I'm one of those grass-is-always-greener guys.

At the gym, though, I always feel good. When I was fatter, I felt different. In a good way, mind you. Everyone else was pretty toned, but I looked nice and bulky. I miss that too. I want to be unique, but as everyone knows, America is a very fat nation. Outside the gym, I feel that being fat just makes me another normal guy, even though I know there are guys like me out there that love that.

I care a lot about what people think of me. Right now, I look pretty buff, and I like to think that people notice that. Naturally, muscle attracts more people than big guts, and as a result I sometimes think that my self esteem would be better off if I was a meathead.

Other times I think, "Fuck it, I want to be huge." Like, forget about everything else and just get as big as I can. All the comments I get on here and YouTube and various other places make me feel really good about myself when I'm fat, and the comments I get from the real world out here make me feel good when I'm just buff. I have my pros and cons with both types, its hard to decide what I like more.

Reassurance

I have a tenancy to only talk about the bad things on online journals. It's a habit I've formed from LiveJournal, I suppose. So I guess as a result, people seem to assume things are worse than they are.

I know there are a ton of differing opinions out there, and I know I'm never going to please everybody. But let me just say, I'm not doing this for any of you. Some people think I'm gaining weight to get attention, and while I must say that all of your encouragement is certainly an ego boost, I'm only doing this for me.

I could've worked to try and love my body the way it was, but that's not what I really want. I'll never truly like my body unless I am what I consider attractive. I don't know why I love big guys so much, but I always have and that's pretty much that.

I would not change a thing about what I've been doing the past year. I love what I've become, and I will love even more what I will be in the future. My body is and will be a living example of my hard work and dedication to eating and lifting big. If you can work your way to change something about yourself, why wouldn't you?

I do read and take in all of your comments, but I've seen absolutely no reason to stop now.

Lactose Intolerance

It appears that I'm becoming/have become lactose intolerant. It's actually a bit devastating, as I love milk with a big chunk of my being. I've drank it for as long as I can remember, and can go through a gallon a day if I'm looking to gain.

Lately, when I drink milk, I often get very gassy. Not every time, strangely, but it's becoming more frequent. I'm taking some medicine to aid me, because I can't really live without my milk. Especially with all of the calories, fats and protein I can easily get from it. I wonder how this happened, and if its fixable.

Looks like I need to go see a doctor.

Different Strokes

One thing I've noticed since I started posting here is the wide variety of opinions and experiences from you guys. I honestly did not expect such a wide variety of readers, but in hindsight I guess it's to be expected.

I do thank you all for your input, I definitely read every single comment I get here even though I can't reply to them. I know some of you think I look good at my current weight, some of you think I should keep gaining. Some of you are looking for tips and inspiration, some of you want to help me. I appreciate every bit of help and encouragement and advice given, for sure, but it's pretty apparent that everyone is very different from each other. Everyone has their own techniques for gaining and staying healthy based off of their own experiences.

I think the key for me, from what I've learned so far, is to take it a bit slower. The few problems that arose from my weight gain (snoring and being out of shape) quickly recovered after I lost these ten pounds. Perhaps gaining 10 pounds a month is a bit fast for me. Plus, I don't think I want my fat to outshine my muscles, so I think I'll take it a bit easier now.

On the bright side, I actually ended up winning second place in that collegehumor contest, so there's 100 bucks for being a fatso. Also, I've been feeling a bit bigger in the muscle department. We'll see how eating big combined with working out harder and my new supplements work out for me this summer.

On a side note as well, while I do appreciate the (oddly) passionate opinions about my taking supplements, lets try to keep the bickering to a minimum, shall we?