Seeing is Believing

I'm a pretty severe introvert. I love nothing more on a weekend evening than to just sit around the house and draw or play a video game. When someone invites me out, my gut reaction is to make up an excuse and avoid going. I had a few friends in college, but as they graduated and moved away, I didn't feel like making new ones.

As a result, I'd never actually met up with a gainer before. Back in Kentucky, my poor friend Aaron had to basically stalk me to get me to meet up with him. It was literally more likely that we ran into each other by coincidence than intentionally. I regretted this horribly when I finally moved away, because I had missed out on the one thing that I was dying to do--touch a big man's gut.

That sounds rather creepy putting it like that, but I had never once felt a big guy's belly in my own hands. I grew up with a fat father, I ogled big guys on the street and I drew men at impossibly fat weights, but I never truly knew what it would feel like, even if it wasn't my own fat.

Aaron was actually in town last weekend for the second DC Grommoff, and I knew I couldn't pass up the opportunity this time. I decided that, in moving here, I would try and come out of my shell a bit and start making some friends.

This picture means so much to me. This is the first step for me becoming more social. I'm so glad I went. All the guys in this picture are such nice people and I will never forget that day. I made so many friends that I hope I will be able to hang out with many more times in the future.

The thing that stood out to me the most, though, was how much bigger people are in person compared to their photos. I actually ran into Aaron and Mr. SFBayDude02 himself in the subway, and I was blown away at how big they were. I spotted them from two train cars away! It really reminded me just how much I have to grow before I can really consider myself 'big.'

And of course, everyone there was open to belly rubs, (hell, that's why most of us came, I bet!) so I finally got my chance to feel what a 400-pound belly felt like. It was glorious, if I can gush. It really changed my thoughts about big guys--my daydreams and drawing ideas feel much more real now. Most importantly, my desire to grow that to that size has been reaffirmed ten-fold. As great it was to finally feel a massive belly in my hands, I want it for myself!

Gaining an Encourager

What a week this was. I ended up gaining a bit over six pounds, due in large part to a big day of eating on Wednesday. I ended up eating over 8000 calories that day, but I don't think I could have done it without my boyfriend's encouragement.

For those of you who don't know, he and I have been together nearly six years now. We met through my drawings and our mutual love of big men. He, though, much preferred muscle over fat. He knew that I preferred the opposite, but for the first few years of our relationship, he had no idea that I wanted to be fat.

I remember the day I told him about the idea. We were both stuck at our homes (mine in Kentucky, his in Colorado) during summer break. I had brought up the idea before he left, and we were talking about it over instant messages. He seemed to have really gotten into the idea, and we were talking about how to approach gaining when we moved into our new apartment that fall. He said some things that were so encouraging and memorable, I kept a Word file of quotes that I still have to this day.

Once we moved into our first apartment and actually started, though, his excitement somewhat faded away. Not being much of an affectionate man to begin with, our online interactions didn't translate well into actual life (as I'm sure many people in long-distance relationships can attest to). He started worrying about my health, and I could tell that he missed my trim, lean body as it started to plump up. On top of this, he was trying to lose weight himself, so it was understandably hard for him to encourage me to gain while he was struggling with his own body issues.

Still, he supported me. He never suggested that I stop and lose weight for his sake. All he wanted was for me to be happy. It was difficult gaining without real support, though, so I turned to the internet for some encouragement. This is why I have been blogging for so long--the compliments and encouragement I get here and from people I chat with somewhat made up for not having a dedicated encourager.

However, lately, things seem to have changed a bit with him. At work recently, he admitted that he was getting more turned on by my regained heft--and the morph I did of myself. It really has started to feel like the bigger I get, the more he gets into the idea of me being even bigger. On my 8000 calorie day, he was the one who suggested we go out to eat a big meal, and he wouldn't let us leave until I cleared my plate--and even after, he made us get dessert.

I can't tell you how turned on I was, it was an amazing feeling. Gaining because you want to, and gaining because your partner wants you to are on two vastly different levels of encouragement. I know I am very lucky to have this guy, with or without him playing the role of feeder/encourager.

It makes me wonder, though, about gainers in relationships. Is it better to look for an encourager as a partner, or should you only bring up the idea of gaining after you find someone you have a connection with? This, however, is a complicated topic for another day--I must get back to eating.

An Old Nemesis (Again)

Last week I didn't write up a post, but I hit 238 again. I was getting all worked up about the thought of returning to my old nemesis weight--240. When I first hit 240, it was after months of work and it was very satisfying at the time, but soon it became clear that 240 was going to be a long plateau. A few times I managed to crawl up near 250, but the weight was quickly lost if I made any mistakes.

This time, I knew for sure, would be different. I'd made such solid progress so far, I knew I could break through that wall for good this time. I was psyching myself up, and I had a plan that I was going to write up for this journal, but I was worried about reaching 240 in time that I checked early.

On Wednesday morning, after much deliberation, I hopped on the scale. To my shock, the scale read 241! I checked it again several times, just to be sure. It wasn't broken and I was as empty as I could possibly be, so there was no mistaking. I even checked yesterday and this morning, only to find that I had gained another pound on top of it!

I suppose it shouldn't be such a shock, given how much I've been eating. The size of my meals are getting so much bigger than what I considered 'a lot' before. This size is somewhat familiar, too, although maybe a bit shifted about. My old big legs are back, along with my butt. My love handles are much more noticeable this time around, though, and I like to think that perhaps my chest is too. I took a bunch of pictures and a video to try and get a glimpse of just what's different this time. (View them here)

I think I might feel mixed feelings because it wasn't the challenge I was expecting, but I have no reason to be upset. I'm officially eight pounds away from my highest ever weight. I'm absolutely dying to reach new territory. The feeling I got way back in 2007 and 2008 of reaching new weights--I can't wait to feel that again.

One Month

I'm officially four weeks back into gaining and I've put on 16 pounds! Not to say it was easy, but I'm blown away at how steady the gain has been and I just hope that it will continue. My immediate goal is to get to 250 again, and my eyes are so fixed on that goal.

There's a few things I've noticed about my regain that's different and might be helpful to share. I've been using LiveStrong.com's the MyPlate to track my calories, this time (before I had just used an Excel spreadsheet). The site is gotten a lot better since the last time I used it in 2008, and the thing I especially like is how they update your calorie goal based on your weight changes. I have my goal set for a 3 pound gain per week, and (though it may be a coincidence) I gained exactly that amount last week. I'd say it's a helpful place!

Another thing is now that I have a desk job, I'm free to snack as I work. I've loaded my work bag with crackers and cookies and junk that I bought from a bulk food store and I make sure to have 2 or 3 things a day, depending on how busy I am. I try to make it a routine, so that when, say, it gets to around 10:30am and I haven't eaten anything, it doesn't feel right.

Another thing I found at the bulk food store is bulk cases of Ensure Plus. Now, I don't recommend this as a cost-effective thing to supplement your diet, but now that I have a bit of spare cash, I decided to splurge. They're about $30 for a case of 24, but they're the perfect size to suck down 350 calories once in the morning before work and once before bed.

Eating before bed is also another thing. Before, I kind of went overboard with eating before lying down and that leads to a lot of discomfort. I've found a good balance of having just a reasonably-sized meal and waiting about 10 or 15 minutes before is perfect.

If I can just keep this up, in just over a month I should be nearing that evil 250. With the amount of encouragement I've gotten, especially from the guys on Grommr, I think I can do it!

Week Three

I'm definitely settling into a consistent groove, here. Things are progressing very well and I'm nearing my old nemesis weight of 240 again. Things feel different this time, though. It is significantly easier this time around to keep myself eating and meeting my calorie goals every day.

I really wish I could explain why, though. Ever since I started gaining, I've been looking for the 'key,' if you will, to eating more than you're used to. I wanted to be able to be able to give definitive advice to someone on how to push yourself to eat more. Unfortunately, it appears to be one of those things that just isn't that simple to explain.

It really is a combination of things, is the best I can offer. Settling into a routine of eating at the same time every day. Keeping snacks handy and a stocked kitchen. Making a meal something you can't wait for, instead of something you need to remind yourself to do.

But there's something else this time. I don't know what it is, but it's something. Maybe it's the re-emergence of a new online gainer social community (which if you haven't joined yet, get on it!!) full of huge men to admire. Maybe it's that I have a desk job. Maybe it's as simple as having more money now.

At least, even if I can't explain why, I'm finally getting fat again. It's time to reach new heights.

Week Two

I'm deep enough into my gaining now that I've settled into a routine. Having a 9-to-5 job (and the money that comes with it) really helps, not only because I'm sitting on my rump all day. After squeezing into my pants, I have a quick breakfast, and make sure to pack all kinds of snacks in my bag before I leave. After snacking all day and a big lunch, by the end of each day I leave feeling bigger than when I arrived.

Filling myself up each day feels so good, and it keeps me motivated like crazy. On my walks home to and from the subway, I can feel my gut pressing against my shirt and bouncing with each step. It's one of the greatest feeling ever, I think. By the time I get home, I'm so enamored with it that I'm ready for another meal!

I'm not sure if it's this routine or if it's my own growing desire for size, but it feels easier to stay on track this time around. I've been recording all of my calories and I haven't missed a goal yet. As a result, I'm falling in love with my body again. I'm doing my best not to get too prideful, because I still have a long way to go, but I think I have quite a lot to be proud of so far.

On a related note, some people were asking for progress pictures, so I took a handful the other night, and even a video because I felt the pictures weren't doing justice. They can be found on my Flickr page here.

Week One

This morning was a bit nerve-wracking. For almost a year now, I've avoided the scale because I knew I wouldn't like what I saw. I only forced myself to get my weight last week because I wanted a starting point, and it was hard to see how low I'd fallen. The scale was still an enemy.

Today we had a serious standoff. It's only been seven days since I started my regain but I desperately wanted to if I had made progress. I knew I did well. I started tracking my calories on MyPlate and never went under my daily goal. I haven't missed a gym day since moving in here. I started taking snacks to work and always eating breakfast. Even my work pants started to get pretty snug, so I knew I made progress.

But still, I knew that if I got on that scale with such confidence--as I have done many times before--only to learn that I had made no or negative progress, it would crush me. The scale doesn't lie to me. It can be a very heartless beast. But other times it is a source of great validation and motivation.

And in I couldn't keep myself from doing it. I had to know if I was truly on my way back up--and I am! I weighed 226.8 pounds this morning. Not yet a weight I can be proud of, but that amounts to a full 8-pound gain in just one week! Perhaps a new record for me. I have more motivation than ever to keep up the effort. It's becoming more and more enjoyable to go past my limits and I make a vow now to see progress every week until I get back to where I left off, no matter what.