Man, the other day I noticed that I had nine-hundred-something watchers on YouTube. I had no idea! Knowing full well that soon it would pass into four digits, I wanted to do something special. Things have been so hectic around here that I forgot until tonight when a friend of mine gave me that 1000th one.
I had just finished a big pizza dinner, so I figured why not upload a video? It breaks my youtube-as-a-video-timeline shtick, but its been far too long since I've done one. I've forgotten how motivating it can be; not only the comments I get, but seeing my belly from a different angle. Watching my navel in this video is actually kind of mesmerizing.
Here's the vid, folks! I've been going all out lately when it comes to eating. I'll explain more in my next post. Cheers.
1000 YouTube Watchers
Cruise
Cruises are wonderful. I just returned this morning and I gotta tell you all, if I were surrounded by free food like that all of the time, I'd be immobile in no time. I think I showed myself pretty easily that if the food is available to me, I do eat a lot.
I'm still a little jetlagged, so I'll keep this short. In the four days I was out there, I think I've gained about five pounds. Not bad, although I was hoping for more. I am feeling a bit bigger, especially in the love handles. I took a couple pictures for you guys to judge. Also, if you would like to see some of the pictures from the trip, check out my Flickr set.
Some Updates
Things have been extremely busy lately, but thankfully its getting better. We spend all of Friday moving our stuff to our new apartment. Just the two of us in 90-100 degree weather. It was a very exhausting experience. I probably lost about 5 pounds of just sweat. I don't think I was out of shape though; had we done this in any other season, I would have blasted right through it. Eventually, however, I'm going to have to hire some movers to move our stuff for my fat ass.
Couple things I noticed:
- There's a huge depression in my side of the mattress. I guess that's my fault.
- It's a lot easier to carry boxes when you can rest them on your gut a little.
- Our new place is smaller, but our kitchen is fantastic. Too bad
- we don't have any money for food.
There's no ego boost quite like hearing that two of your favorite gainers think you're attractive and have great potential. I also got a very nice note from a couple on CollegeHumor of all places. This guy and his wife praised my progress and encouraged me to gain more. He claims the ladies love that extra padding. While that's not of interest to me obviously, it's very interesting to see others' motivation behind gaining weight.
Leaving for the cruise on Thursday. Hopefully I'll return a heavier man.
Padding
One of the earliest memories I have, and one that I think may have turned me onto fat men, was padding myself. The first time, I was in third or fourth grade and was playing with a friend. For whatever reason, we were pretending to be fat. When she left, I kept playing. I guess I liked how it felt.
After that day, I went out of my way to do it pretty frequently. The hall's linen closet was right outside my room, and I remember sneaking out and grabbing a bunch of sheets and pillows to stuff into my dad's big clothes. I would try more and more each time, trying to get myself to look like a massively fat man.
The reason I bring this up is, I was farting around with my boyfriend on the sofa and stuck a little throw pillow under my shirt. Something about the feeling of that extra size was extremely nice. Just resting my hand on it, or walking around with it made me feel really good. I took some pictures, and this one in particular makes me pretty hungry. The idea that I'll soon look like this, but with a real gut under that shirt is very motivating.
Black Hole
From my last post, I decided to take a chance and try something new. I've heard many people talk about the supplement Black Hole, which supposedly increases your appetite. Now, naturally I'm skeptical of any product that makes a claim like that, so I tried to approach it with low expectations. I totally failed in that regard, but thankfully I wasn't disappointed.
I've only been using it for a couple of days, but I can see the effects. The product works by tricking your brain into thinking you haven't consumed enough calories yet, letting you eat past the limit you would usually reach when eating. For example, normally I can down about a half of a large pizza in one sitting, and the other day I made myself eat the entire thing. It wasn't easy, per se, but you could argue that I couldn't force myself to do that normally.
So, I'll continue to use it. I've cleaned my plate in every meal I've had so far, and I've never really felt full. I'm trying to think of big meals I can make myself that I couldn't finish before. Perhaps a box of Krispy Kreme...
Anyway, I know a lot of you are looking for picture updates. I don't have much to show right at the moment, but I'll take some good ones after a really big meal using these pills. These are just some quick snapshots before work. Forgive the wrinkly shirt and the shag'd hair. Right now I weigh just under 230lbs. I certainly don't look trim, so I figure if I'm going to look fat on the cruise, I might as well look really fat. Don't you think?
Forming a Plan
I've pretty much resided myself to gaining again this winter--I want to keep an almost-swimsuit body for the cruise I'm going on next month. Once school starts up again, and we move into our new place (with a much nicer kitchen), I'll give it another go.
Being completely honest, one of the things that made me stop gaining was my boyfriend. Our situation is pretty interesting. When it comes to body types, we both like fat and muscle, but have a slight preference for one over the other. Obviously he prefers muscle over fat, and was missing my slimmer body.
I do miss my bigger body, and I miss the changes I was experiencing. I'll go for another year of gaining and see what comes of it. Talking to a lot of you gainers has really swayed me to do it again. I would love for the encouraging to continue, it's unbelievably convincing.
It's you guys who remind me of the body I really want, and to help me to keep looking past my doubts. I know deep down the body I want. I guess that's all there is to it.
I do need to change something about my gaining for this go, though. I was really struggling to put on weight earlier this year. I haven't quite grown out of my pickiness, as my boyfriend can attest to, and on top of that I've probably lost some of my stomach capacity.
So, until I really get back into it, I'll be thinking of new things to try. I'm sure some of you guys out there have some secrets to share.
Confliction
Just like I have moods when I'm drawing, I have different moods when it comes to thinking about my body. Right now, probably because I've lost a bit of weight, I miss being fatter. Looking at my pictures on here, and all the compliments I get on them makes me just want to gain it all back and more right now.
But its a conflicting thing. When I was fatter, I would look in the mirror sometimes and think that I would look better with just muscle. And now I look in the mirror and I miss my little gut. I guess I'm one of those grass-is-always-greener guys.
At the gym, though, I always feel good. When I was fatter, I felt different. In a good way, mind you. Everyone else was pretty toned, but I looked nice and bulky. I miss that too. I want to be unique, but as everyone knows, America is a very fat nation. Outside the gym, I feel that being fat just makes me another normal guy, even though I know there are guys like me out there that love that.
I care a lot about what people think of me. Right now, I look pretty buff, and I like to think that people notice that. Naturally, muscle attracts more people than big guts, and as a result I sometimes think that my self esteem would be better off if I was a meathead.
Other times I think, "Fuck it, I want to be huge." Like, forget about everything else and just get as big as I can. All the comments I get on here and YouTube and various other places make me feel really good about myself when I'm fat, and the comments I get from the real world out here make me feel good when I'm just buff. I have my pros and cons with both types, its hard to decide what I like more.
