Gym Fat

I recently rediscovered the little 'gym' in my apartment complex. They added this nifty cable machine that covers my needs pretty well, so I started going a few times a week. It's usually empty at night, which is a little creepy, but I don't much mind.

It had been almost 9 months since I last worked out. The day after I first went there, I literally couldn't get out of bed my arms were so sore. Not having a free full-service gym like I had in college really discourages you from going--that and when it's cold I never feel like leaving the apartment. But I had forgotten how much healthier (and bigger) going to the gym makes me feel.



I had always wanted to make sure I have a big upper body to match my lower half. (In a perfect world, something like Dozerbear's) So far it seems to be working well. I measured my chest last night to find it was 51" around--two inches bigger than my gut. I never really thought of myself as having a big chest, but I'm starting to notice it more and more. The giant mirror in that workout room certainly helps.

Oh, and this morning the scale told me 250lbs! I'm going to wait until tomorrow to start celebrating, though--just in case.

Gaining Fire

Hoo, it's been a little while hasn't it. At my last weigh-in, I tipped the scales at just under 249 lbs. On an absolutely full stomach the night before, my gut was 50" around--52" sitting down! I felt on top of the world, knowing that 250 was right around the corner.

The next day, though, I caught the flu. I was feeling like shit, but the fire to gain still burned inside me. So, I had a big breakfast despite my low appetite... which ended up being a really bad idea. I ended the day with a big fat zero on my calorie sheet, though it probably ended up being a negative intake, all things considered.

Either way, that's why I didn't post anything recently. I didn't want to dwell on how much weight I lost because of those few days of sickness, because the truth is I don't have anything to whine about. My desire to gain is one of the few things that keeps me going, lately. It seems to lift me up when I'm down. I know a lot of people are concerned that I might regret what I'm doing (especially because all of the noise FatFanPlus has been making lately--don't get me started), and I know I'll never be able to fully convince anyone of my desires, but it's moments like I had last week that prove it at least to myself.

Enamored

Lately I've been infatuated with the physics of my belly. I'm starting to notice how it moves with me, how it gets in the way, and it makes me daydream about how it will feel when I'm bigger. The more attention I pay to it, the easier it becomes to imagine sizes like 300, 400. I like to think I don't romanticize it, but I can't help lusting over those sizes.

I find myself constantly noticing my own size even now. Like, how when I lean to one side, I feel a roll form around my love handle. How my upper back is getting softer and is beginning to naturally fold over the small of my back. How all my pants' waistbands are permanently folded on the front.

I love it. I love every little change that comes about from my growth. I want more. More growth, more changes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I love what I see more and more. Whenever I take a photo with my camera, though, it looks smaller. I've always had that problem--the camera always seemed to take weight off of my frame (and put it in my head, apparently). I'll keep trying though.

Ten Up

Still unemployed over here in snowy Kentucky. Gradually I seem to need to lower my standards more and more until I'll end up working at Starbucks again or something. Thankfully, both my parents and my in-laws donated grocery store gift cards to us, so I've been able to stick to my diet.

I've been keeping pretty detailed track of my calories every day for the past five weeks. Since I have a pretty simple diet, it's been easy to keep track of what I eat. I'm so glad that most fast food places keep their nutritional info online, but sometimes I just have to guess (I'm looking at you, every Chinese restaurant ever).

Still, things are actually progressing well with my weight. This morning I weighed about 245, which is a gain of about ten pounds since starting this plan. I can really feel this weight, too; it's much more noticeable and tangible. When I do finally get back to 250, it'll be interesting to see the difference between that weight and the first time I weighed that much.

I'm dying to feel it again. I'm already so attracted to this weight, I want more. And so does my boyfriend, now. Slowly he's turning into a real encourager.

The Curse of 240

My body loves being 240 pounds. It loves it so much that it doesn't want to let go. So much so that it seems to be ignoring the basic rules for weight gain. That being, a 240lb body burns ~2500 calories a day, and anything beyond that is stored. 3500 stored calories then amount to a pound.

This 'rule' is what I've been basing my new diet on. I aim to eat 4000 calories a day. It's actually been a very easy target to achieve, given the resources. Under no circumstance am I ever to eat less than 2500 calories a day. Even if I'm sick and vomiting. Even if there's no food in the house. This way I should never see a decline in my weight, and theoretically gain about three pounds a week.

Then again, it's rarely worked for me like that in actuality. There've been times in the past where I've gained a lot faster than I should have and of course there have been times where I've eaten 10-pounds-worth of calories and not seen a change at all.

Since starting this diet two weeks ago I have almost gained the six pounds I should have, but on the other hand, I'm really tired of seeing 240. I've hit this milestone probably a dozen times--the first time being nearly two years ago! I would have been ecstatic to see 241. Or even 240.1. But my new scale proudly announced two-hundred and forty.

I never want to see that number again. Ever.

I'm going to go eat.

Resolutions

2009 wasn't a very good year for New Year's resolutions. Typically I give myself pretty achievable tasks, but this past year apparently was too rough to even achieve those. Of course, the biggest thing was my weight. The entire year, I waffled between 235 and 250 pounds like a car stuck in the mud.

No more of that, though. I'm tired of faltering. From this day on, I'm putting myself on a strict diet. I'm not going to speak much of it, because I know the more I talk about it with others, the less I will be motivated to stick with it. I will, though, definitely talk of the progress that results from it, of course.

I've set up an Excel file to track my calories each day and week. If I don't hit my minimum by a certain time at night, I have to make an emergency run to Burger King or something and get what I need. No excuses. Time to get firm with myself.

I managed to snag my father's Gorillapod for my camera, so I'll be able to take some more exciting photos. I'm going to be taking a lot of progress photos, if this all goes to plan.

2010 will be the year I hit 300.

Outerwear

I used to really hate winter. Well, I still do (what's the point in snow now that it can't cancel class?), but I used to hate winter because it forced all the studly college boys to cover their bodies with bulky jackets and such. Now, I don't mind so much. A truly large guy's size is actually accentuated by a nice jacket or hoodie, I've found. Plus it also makes me look bigger than I actually am.

I went to work last week and was chatting with my boss with my jacket and scarf still on. I happened to catch myself in his window and really liked what I saw. I don't know if it was just compared to my boss (a 5-foot-nothing little guy), but I thought I looked pretty big. My mother got me a nice white Under Armour hoodie, and that coupled with a scarf and my backpack... I don't know, I was just impressed with myself. I ended up puffing out my chest a little bit, and I think I missed most of our conversation after that point.

Needless to say, that day turned out very well. It's amazing what a little boost in self-confidence can do for your productivity.