This morning I officially weighed myself for the first time in months. The scale read 218 pounds. A weight I hadn't seen since late 2007 when I hit 220 for the first time.
The strange thing was, though, that I didn't feel like I had lost over thirty(!) pounds. I still had a little gut to play with, my legs were still flabby and I still had my favorite paunch. The only thing I knew was wrong was that my clothes were all too loose. It wasn't until I started looking through my old pictures that I started to notice. Even though I like my body as it is now, I am enamored with how I looked at 250. What I have now is nothing compared to what I loved about my 250lb body.
What's more, putting pictures of me now versus me at my highest weight side-by-side really helped me see just how more weight looks on me. It also helped me picture myself at weights I have yet to achieve, and I'm mesmerized with the thought of new, unrealized weights and I'm dying to get my weight back--I need more!
Months of watching videos of my favorite gainers, drawing impossibly fat men and lusting over gaining weight again have really helped with my kickstart. I've started counting my calories again, started shopping for more food (despite the higher cost of groceries here--bah!), and I'm recruiting my boyfriend for more help. And everyone's words of encouragement have been massive motivation! Thank you all.
Let the regain begin!
Damage Report
A Fresh Start
Looks like I'm back at it again!
This time last year, there were many aspects of my life that I wanted to change. I wanted a better job, a better apartment in a better town with more opportunities and, of course, a better body--and I was only really working towards one of those. And without the others, I would never achieve what I wanted. So, I put my gaining dreams on hold, as much as it pained me. I watched the pounds slip away so very quickly as I put more focus on employment. Without constant attention, I couldn't even maintain the weight I had gained. I lost so much weight that I had to poke three holes in my belt to get my work clothes to fit me. My self esteem seemed to dip as my weight neared 200lbs again.
But yet, I pressed on and made the best of it. I worked out much more frequently to give myself a nice muscular base to build on, and daydreamed about my plans for when I eventually restarted my gaining. As a result, I started doodling quite a bit, and began posting to deviantART. That gave me a lot of motivation.
Now, as I type this, I'm in an amazing apartment in a high rise outside Washington, DC. My cousin had a wonderful connection to a company that was absolutely perfect for me, and I just started there yesterday. Things have very fortuitously turned out for the best, after all my hard work, so now I feel like putting some of that work into getting bigger again.
I may still have my metabolism to work against, but the apartment complex we live in has a great free gym, there's a huge mirror in my bedroom for measuring progress, and I'm making enough money to stock my fridge, I'd say I've got a good shot this time.
Hiatus
Goodness it's been a while.
Those two articles really got under my skin, it seems. Not the articles themselves, but rather the attention it granted me. I never intended to become such a media focus, and I suppose it's my fault for doing the first interview in the first place.
At any rate, it's rather killed my motivation. I haven't been tracking my calories for a couple months, but thankfully I haven't fallen behind in progress. Or advanced any, either. I suppose this introspective time has gotten me thinking. I've been fluctuating between 240 and 250 for years now, and perhaps I should take the hint my body is giving me.
As a result though, I don't really have much to talk about here. So, I'm going to continue to be quiet on gitbigger.com until the time comes. Until then, you can find me on growingguys, as well as Twitter and Flickr, if you wish to keep up with me.
Once again, thank you everyone for your support over the years. Do not take this as a goodbye, because I will be as active as ever. Don't be a stranger.
Another Article
I came home to a handful of snide comments in my inbox today, and I had no idea why. Turns out, this blog was referenced in yet another newspaper article today. Unlike the last one, I had no idea this one was coming out, so I was curious as hell to find out what it was about.
Turns out, the article was actually just a review of the new TV show Huge with a one-paragraph lead-in referencing my blog. A completely random reference, if you ask me. It only mentioned the topic of my last blog post, as well as a reworded description of me copied from the box to the right there. It was quite lazy, considering that the theme of my blog is completely different from that of that TV show. The show is about an overweight girl who feels like she shouldn't hate her body or something. This blog is more about wanting to change your body.
But I imagine that the author went with my blog because it's really the only one out there these days, despite her claims to the otherwise. I feel like someone really needs to explain what 'gaining' is to the New York Times. We know you are against the fat-acceptance movement, Times, but this is kind of a different thing. The author seems quite lazy overall, though I suppose that's indicative of a dying newspaper industry.
While I do appreciate the opinions expressed on my blog throughout the day today, unfortunately I had to delete them (and disable commenting for a while). I know people who followed that link are compelled to try and talk some sense into me, but forgive me if I don't feel like being patronized. I try to give the impression that I'm not some yokel feasting on sticks of butter, so please don't assume I am.
Update: Another article mentioning me was posted today. Ho jeez. And I don't even give a damn about the fat acceptance movement.
Stepping Up
I've been tracking my calories for almost six months now. As annoying as it was at first to remember to write things down at first, now it's practically a habit now. It's given me a great look at how my body works. At first, I estimated that I burned 2500 calories a day, which I upped to 3000 as I got heavier.
I'm actively looking for new ways to fit more food into my diet. I wish I knew how some people can just unconsciously consume so much. What I need is a food mentor, of sorts--a reverse diet coach.
Shapes
I finally got around to joining that growingguys website. It's really nice to see all my favorite big guys in one place--very inspiring to say the least. I wanted to thank everyone who greeted me and send messages, it was very flattering.
Unfortunately, working so hard at that damn job has cause me to lose a noticeable amount of weight recently. Since my diet hasn't changed a bit, I suppose that just means I'm burning more calories. I've adjusted my intake goals accordingly, so I've no worries. As far as the work goes, I don't have as many belly sightings as I did at my previous post, but I suppose I don't hate it that much. I've still got hopes for the next year or so, so they haven't crushed my spirit just yet.
On the plus side, though, I've gotten in pretty good shape over the past month. Between the few days of cardio I do a week and all the running about I do at work, I'm rarely winded anymore. On top of that, my muscles are just about to the point where they were when I lost real gym access, and my chest has grown to the point that I can't stop playing with it. If I suck in my gut enough, it almost looks like I'm an off-season gym rat or something. A little:
I don't much like that side of me, though. It's too focused on what I feel like everyone thinks I should look like. I'd rather go for what I want to look like.
Working
Quite a bit has happened in the past month and I suppose that's why I haven't posted in a while. A few days after the health care bill passed, my parents got notice from their insurance company that, to cut costs, they would be dropping any dependents who were on their family plans who did not still live at home. Since I did not plan on moving back in with my mother and father again, I was forced to find another option for insurance--which meant, basically, I need a job. At the same time, my sister told me that a Starbucks in town needed some help and that she could get me back in with the company.
Sadly, this place was nearly at the bottom of my choices for work. Back when I first started this blog, I had just started there for the first time. I quit because I was giving up food service for what I thought was the last time. I had high hopes because the economy was finally picking back up again, but I needed a job--and insurance--right then and there, so I took the offer. I was holding out for a nice office job because it'd be a perfect way to be lazy and make money, but I suppose you gotta do what you gotta do.
So, it's been a week and I'm starting to get my barista legs back. I got some new, comfortable clothes and am making the best of it. I may have to move around a lot and I don't have much time to eat anymore, but at the end of the night, there's always a lot of free food to take home and I think I look good in the apron. (I got called a 'bearista' by someone and it made me grin.)
So that's where I'm at right now. I was in a sour mood because of this whole situation, so I wasn't in the journal-posting mood, but now that my routine is settling back into place, I can get back to business.
