In lieu of posting here, I've taken to posting to my Tumblr account recently. I've had quite a lot of fun answering questions and such, but the content I post there steals my ideas for full blog posts.
So, if you wish to keep up with my progress, I recommend bookmarking my page there. I will be linking to posts to this blog on that site, either way.
http://stupidgit.tumblr.com/
Tumblr
Outgrown
After every major milestone, I like to take a short break. Gaining for too long starts to take its toll on you, physically and mentally. Personally, I start to feel out of shape and slow, so I do some cardio and focus on weight lifting while on a little break.
Now, though, even when I'm not stuffed with food 24/7 during these times, I'm starting to still feel pretty big. I had the chance to go to an amusement park with my family this weekend, and I was reminded just how big I actually am.
I love me some roller coasters, but unfortunately my boyfriend is scared to death of them. After trying to get him to ride some, I told him all he'd have to do to avoid me bugging him was to get me too fat to fit on them. In my mind, I thought that would be around 350 or 400 pounds or so.
I rode two rides the other day (we went mostly for my nephews). The first was an old wooden roller coaster. When I sat down, my legs were squeezed together so tight and the lap bar dug into my belly. The ride was so rough and unpleasant, I thought it was going to crush me!
Whatever though, it was built in the 70s, they didn't even have many guys my size back then. So, my second ride was on their newest coaster. I expected to have problems on the first one, but definitely not this one. Sitting down, the chunky lap bar only barely got past my legs (just my legs mind you, my belly wasn't a problem), but apparently it needed to click at least three times. The female ride attendants came over and pushed down on it as hard as they could, and eventually it took two of them using what looked like all of their strength to finally lock it in.
My legs were pinched and falling asleep, and I would have been absolutely mortified if I wasn't overflowing with pride. I rode both of those roller coasters just two years ago with absolutely no problems, and now it seems like if I gain one more pound I couldn't even squeeze into the seats if I tried!
So, it happened sooner than I expected it would. There's probably some parks out there with... roomier seating, but either way I'm not bummed at all. Outgrowing things is something I expected, anticipated and looked forward to a lot. Plus, my boyfriend is a very happy man, as a result.
Now that I'm back home, I'd say it's time to get back on the gaining train once again. I promised I would get to 300 before the end of the year, so it's time to get to work!
Double the Git
I've found that milestones are so very important to keep motivated. Not only the typical 200, 250, etc milestones, but many smaller ones too. Moving up clothing sizes, breaking furniture, you name it.
I just recently passed one of my most anticipated milestones: doubling my starting weight of 140. It's absolutely crazy to think that I ever weighed so little, and it reaffirms my drive to keep pushing on.
So, to celebrate, I went a bit crazy with some photos. I found a few articles of clothing that I hadn't seen in years, so I tried them on and snapped some photos--and a video of another milestone!
Check them out on my updated Tumblr. I'll be posting progress pictures and sighting there now, as my poor Flickr account is almost full.
http://stupidgit.tumblr.com/
Conflicts
Apologies for the dry spell of posts, again. I'm back to making progress with my gains again, however. This morning, I tipped the scales at just under 275. A couple long-awaited progress photos have been posted to my Flickr page here.
I guess I'm just at a point that I wonder what direction to take this blog in, again. I've been blogging for just over four years now. In that time, I've consistently wobbled between a 'gaining advice' blog to a 'personal gaining journal/dairy'--sometimes due to my inability to gain, sometimes because I just don't have anything to talk about. And once again, I neither have the ideas for advice, nor the stomach to go on and on about my own progress at the moment.
Gaining is an innately selfish act. You're working solely to improve your appearance, against what everyone else believes to be what is 'good looking.' And, as with anything, attention is addicting. One of my biggest fears is becoming a egomaniac, and I started to really notice just how much I talk about myself. I would never talk about myself in person as much as I talk about myself on the web. Perhaps it's good that indulge in that every once in a while, but for some reason it rubs me the wrong way, right now.
This feeling, coupled with the amount of writing I do at my work now somewhat killed my motivation to post here for the moment. On top of that, all of this microblogging on Twitter and Grommr prevents any real ideas for posts to form. I've had several topics I wanted to discuss, but for the life of me I just can't remember them.
So, bear with me for a bit here, folks. I'll still be on Grommr and the like, I just need some time to think about the blog.
Stats
According to my scale, I'm firmly into 270 territory now. I realized, though, that for as often as I weigh myself, I don't seem to measure anything else very often. In fact, according to my BodySpace (where I keep all this information), the last time I did a full-body measurement update was nearly a year ago.
Back in August of last year, I was coming down from my previous high weight of 251 and was desperately trying to hold on to it. Sadly it wasn't working, and by that point I was down to 241 and slipping. I don't even have any photos of myself at that time.
The thing that struck me about looking at this was just how little the numbers have changed. I've gained so much weight and my body feels almost entirely different, and yet certain parts are only an inch bigger than they were 30 pounds ago. It's quite amazing that a change of less than an inch or so can still make you feel so different.
Be proud of any small change you make with yourself, it changes a lot more than you think!
Fakers
Of all the online communities I've been a part of, I love this one the most. I've made friends though it and I've gotten an amazing amount of encouragement and support from people all over the world. At the core of the community, though, there are two major groups--gainers and encouragers. The ratio between these two groups, like many online communities, is highly skewed--especially if you exclude beginning gainers.
For those, like me, who like the biggest-of-the-big men, it's a shame that there aren't many of these fellas to go around. I like to make friends with superchubs; I'm always curious about life at that weight, and hearing about theirs helps motivate me towards my goals. I spend a fair amount of time looking for big guys to befriend, but in searching, I continually come across something that I simply cannot stand.
In every gainer social networking site, there's always a small percentage of 'questionable' profiles. Men who claim to be of great weight but have no real proof. Profiles with headless, blurry photos (if any), and suspicious descriptions (like weighing 500lbs at age 18, or gaining hundreds of pounds in short timeframes).
Let me cut to the chase and say right now that I can't stand fakers. Skinny guys who claim to be 400, 500 pounds for the attention from chasers and encouragers. Longtime readers of this blog know (in great, whiny detail) of how much work I've put in to make the small progress that I have. Substantial gaining is a risky, time-consuming and difficult task. It is my opinion that the men who've put in the work and the dedication to reach these amazingly large sizes deserve to be in this small minority and their efforts deserve to be appreciated by those of us who may never reach such goals.
It's a shame, though, that there are those among us who see the attention that these men get and don a fake persona to feel what it's like. I probably shouldn't care as much as I do, because as long as they're not using my photos, it really doesn't affect my own goals and anyone with half a brain should be able to figure out their deal. Still, the fact that they even think it's okay to do this annoys me to no end.
I've dealt with fakers in so many of my online experiences. In any field in which I've put in hard work to improve myself, I run into people that have attempted to exploit my efforts to reap undeserved rewards. I've had people claim my drawings as their own. I've had people trace my drawings or use my ideas. I've had people pretend to be able to speak Japanese to me by using an online translator. I've had my own photos used on gaining social networks. I've even had people submit my photos to contests for monetary prizes.
There are so many telltale signs to a poser profile; I've heard them all. I don't want to post pictures of my face. I can't lift up my shirt because I'm self conscious. I'll post a photo soon, as soon as I borrow a camera, I promise! (Who doesn't have access to a camera these days? There's one on almost every piece of technology out there!)
It's quite easy for real guys to dismiss any suspicion. All it takes is one clear photo of you and your face. If you don't want to post your face, just post a few photos so that we at least know your body is consistent. Posers will insist they can't do anything to back up their claims. They never have access to a camera. They might post a photo with the face cropped out, but that's the only one they have and it look suspiciously like someone else you know. Their stubborn, pitiful attempts to cover their lies just compound annoyance.
And yet, there's always this nagging part of me that keeps me from saying anything. The "but what if they really do just have a shitty camera that makes their body look photoshopped? I'd look like a total jackass if I called him out..." feeling. This piles on a helpless frustration onto my annoyance and just has me boiling.
I have to take a stand, unfortunately. I'm tired of dancing around the issue when chatting with these guys, trying to weasel the truth out of them. I've taken a 'guilty until proven innocent' approach to you folk. I apologize to the superchubs out there who genuinely have no access to a way to take a decent photo of themselves, but if you can't prove to me that you're as big as you say you are, I don't want anything to do with you.
Massive apologies for the rant, but I feel so much better now!
Round is a Shape
Even though it's to be expected of an overweight person, I don't like to be too out of shape. As you can imagine, putting on 40+ pounds in three months has had quite an effect on my stamina. At 265 pounds, my capacity to walk the usual path to work were starting to get too much.
The summers here are annoyingly hot and my commute has me walking quite a distance up and down broken escalators. There's one flight that's about three stories tall and if it's not working (and it usually isn't) I'm almost collapsing when I get to the top.
I decided to start doing a bit of cardio to try and get my endurance back. I never really enjoyed cardio, though, because it doesn't give the same instant results that weight lifting does. Plus, it can be extremely boring to run in place for 20 minutes unless you have a television or something.
Even still, it's becoming necessary for me, and I do recommend it to everyone--especially gainers. All you really need to do is keep your heart rate up for 20 or so minutes maybe three times a week; not much of an investment. Exercise isn't something for gainers to avoid, it isn't going to make you lose weight. As any legitimate personal trainer will tell you, weight loss is 90% diet. Doing exercise won't make you thin on its own. My usual 20 minutes of cardio only burns about 200 or so calories (or, say, one doughnut), and weight lifting is even less intensive.
Running on the treadmill is out, though. My only attempt at it left my legs feeling over-strained because of my weight and the heavy impacts to my calf bones--and the machine didn't like it so much either. Fearing that I might break something, I came to love the cycling and the elliptical machines. They're no-impact and great options for just keeping your heartrate up-- or if you're also interested in toning your glutes, as I must admit I'm becoming a bit obsessed with.
I encourage all gainers and big guys to go out there and work out--I need me some some eye candy.
Clothing, Milestones, and Clothing Milestones
I officially broke 260 for the first time this morning! Three months after moving, I've porked up by over 40 pounds! I feel absolutely great; there's nothing quite like reaching new milestones--and since it's been over two years since this last happened, forgive me if I take a break from the usual pondering that I do every week and do a bit of self-indulging!
So, I snapped a bunch of photos of some of my old favorites and put them up on my Flickr, which you can see here. Click the photos for links to me wearing the same clothes from years ago!
On to 270!
Immobility
Because of the drawings I do, I get asked the immobility question a lot. Not that I mind--I love thinking about the possibility. My answer to the question is always the same, because I've (obviously) thought about this extensively.
To put it simply, two factors would have to be present for me to pursue immobility. One: I would need a lifestyle in which I could live comfortably and without money worries. Being immobile wouldn't be very pleasant if I lived in a shithole. And two: I would need to be guaranteed good health. I can live with being massively out of shape and only able to move a few feet at a time, but the thought of lymphedema or infections or anything that plagued the fattest men of history is quite the deal-breaker.
Basically, I would need to win the lottery and have a superhuman immune system.
Clearly I don't consider the thought of gaining to immobility to be a realistic goal. Historically, it seems that any man who reached that point did so unintentionally--be it because of a genetic issue, a predisposition to weight gain, or whatever. As a result, they tend to also be quite unhappy, be it because of their health or the negative attention they get. In fact, most superchubs of extreme size tend to not take kindly to gainers, perhaps because gainers speak very flippantly about the subject and don't consider the hardships that come with being so obese. (Not that it's bad to daydream, but they tend to take offense, in my experiences.)
It is my opinion that a normal person gaining with the intention of one day being immobile due to their own extreme weight will sadly never reach that goal without some significant help. I'm not aware (and someone please correct me if I'm mistaken) of any gainer who has intentionally fattened his way to the point of immobility. Quite a lot of us talk about it, but the task is so daunting that it tends to remains fantasy talk. I've been fortunate enough to chat with some guys of pretty remarkable size, but the fact is that the number of guys who've intentionally gained past, say, 500lbs is unfortunately low.
This is not to say that I am against the idea of immobility. Quite the contrary, if you could guarantee me my two conditions, you'd probably see me in the Guiness book tomorrow. I've thought about this to the point that I know that I would have no qualms with giving up my current lifestyle for one in which I am confined to my own house because of my size. I could easily picture the life--good and bad aspects alike--and I would kill for it. This thought of gaining to unrealistic sizes is what keeps a lot of us gainers going, even if we know deep down it will probably never happen. The thought of my own body becoming so utterly massive and all-consuming is probably one of the hottest thoughts, to me. I can't explain why, just like most other aspects of my gaining, but I really wish I could. You could say that immobility is the ultimate fantasy for me.
Unfortunately, it will probably have to remain fantasy. Even if I was one of those guys who was just predisposed to balloon to a thousand pounds, I don't know if I could get past the realistic concerns that come with such a lifestyle. Who knows, though. Should I ever, by some crazy stroke of luck, ever gain to 500+ pounds or so, I imagine I'd reconsider--you only live once, afterall.
Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
Seeing is Believing
I'm a pretty severe introvert. I love nothing more on a weekend evening than to just sit around the house and draw or play a video game. When someone invites me out, my gut reaction is to make up an excuse and avoid going. I had a few friends in college, but as they graduated and moved away, I didn't feel like making new ones.
As a result, I'd never actually met up with a gainer before. Back in Kentucky, my poor friend Aaron had to basically stalk me to get me to meet up with him. It was literally more likely that we ran into each other by coincidence than intentionally. I regretted this horribly when I finally moved away, because I had missed out on the one thing that I was dying to do--touch a big man's gut.
That sounds rather creepy putting it like that, but I had never once felt a big guy's belly in my own hands. I grew up with a fat father, I ogled big guys on the street and I drew men at impossibly fat weights, but I never truly knew what it would feel like, even if it wasn't my own fat.
Aaron was actually in town last weekend for the second DC Grommoff, and I knew I couldn't pass up the opportunity this time. I decided that, in moving here, I would try and come out of my shell a bit and start making some friends.
This picture means so much to me. This is the first step for me becoming more social. I'm so glad I went. All the guys in this picture are such nice people and I will never forget that day. I made so many friends that I hope I will be able to hang out with many more times in the future.
The thing that stood out to me the most, though, was how much bigger people are in person compared to their photos. I actually ran into Aaron and Mr. SFBayDude02 himself in the subway, and I was blown away at how big they were. I spotted them from two train cars away! It really reminded me just how much I have to grow before I can really consider myself 'big.'
And of course, everyone there was open to belly rubs, (hell, that's why most of us came, I bet!) so I finally got my chance to feel what a 400-pound belly felt like. It was glorious, if I can gush. It really changed my thoughts about big guys--my daydreams and drawing ideas feel much more real now. Most importantly, my desire to grow that to that size has been reaffirmed ten-fold. As great it was to finally feel a massive belly in my hands, I want it for myself!
Gaining an Encourager
What a week this was. I ended up gaining a bit over six pounds, due in large part to a big day of eating on Wednesday. I ended up eating over 8000 calories that day, but I don't think I could have done it without my boyfriend's encouragement.
For those of you who don't know, he and I have been together nearly six years now. We met through my drawings and our mutual love of big men. He, though, much preferred muscle over fat. He knew that I preferred the opposite, but for the first few years of our relationship, he had no idea that I wanted to be fat.
I remember the day I told him about the idea. We were both stuck at our homes (mine in Kentucky, his in Colorado) during summer break. I had brought up the idea before he left, and we were talking about it over instant messages. He seemed to have really gotten into the idea, and we were talking about how to approach gaining when we moved into our new apartment that fall. He said some things that were so encouraging and memorable, I kept a Word file of quotes that I still have to this day.
Once we moved into our first apartment and actually started, though, his excitement somewhat faded away. Not being much of an affectionate man to begin with, our online interactions didn't translate well into actual life (as I'm sure many people in long-distance relationships can attest to). He started worrying about my health, and I could tell that he missed my trim, lean body as it started to plump up. On top of this, he was trying to lose weight himself, so it was understandably hard for him to encourage me to gain while he was struggling with his own body issues.
Still, he supported me. He never suggested that I stop and lose weight for his sake. All he wanted was for me to be happy. It was difficult gaining without real support, though, so I turned to the internet for some encouragement. This is why I have been blogging for so long--the compliments and encouragement I get here and from people I chat with somewhat made up for not having a dedicated encourager.
However, lately, things seem to have changed a bit with him. At work recently, he admitted that he was getting more turned on by my regained heft--and the morph I did of myself. It really has started to feel like the bigger I get, the more he gets into the idea of me being even bigger. On my 8000 calorie day, he was the one who suggested we go out to eat a big meal, and he wouldn't let us leave until I cleared my plate--and even after, he made us get dessert.
I can't tell you how turned on I was, it was an amazing feeling. Gaining because you want to, and gaining because your partner wants you to are on two vastly different levels of encouragement. I know I am very lucky to have this guy, with or without him playing the role of feeder/encourager.
It makes me wonder, though, about gainers in relationships. Is it better to look for an encourager as a partner, or should you only bring up the idea of gaining after you find someone you have a connection with? This, however, is a complicated topic for another day--I must get back to eating.
An Old Nemesis (Again)
Last week I didn't write up a post, but I hit 238 again. I was getting all worked up about the thought of returning to my old nemesis weight--240. When I first hit 240, it was after months of work and it was very satisfying at the time, but soon it became clear that 240 was going to be a long plateau. A few times I managed to crawl up near 250, but the weight was quickly lost if I made any mistakes.
This time, I knew for sure, would be different. I'd made such solid progress so far, I knew I could break through that wall for good this time. I was psyching myself up, and I had a plan that I was going to write up for this journal, but I was worried about reaching 240 in time that I checked early.
I suppose it shouldn't be such a shock, given how much I've been eating. The size of my meals are getting so much bigger than what I considered 'a lot' before. This size is somewhat familiar, too, although maybe a bit shifted about. My old big legs are back, along with my butt. My love handles are much more noticeable this time around, though, and I like to think that perhaps my chest is too. I took a bunch of pictures and a video to try and get a glimpse of just what's different this time. (View them here)
I think I might feel mixed feelings because it wasn't the challenge I was expecting, but I have no reason to be upset. I'm officially eight pounds away from my highest ever weight. I'm absolutely dying to reach new territory. The feeling I got way back in 2007 and 2008 of reaching new weights--I can't wait to feel that again.
One Month
I'm officially four weeks back into gaining and I've put on 16 pounds! Not to say it was easy, but I'm blown away at how steady the gain has been and I just hope that it will continue. My immediate goal is to get to 250 again, and my eyes are so fixed on that goal.
Another thing is now that I have a desk job, I'm free to snack as I work. I've loaded my work bag with crackers and cookies and junk that I bought from a bulk food store and I make sure to have 2 or 3 things a day, depending on how busy I am. I try to make it a routine, so that when, say, it gets to around 10:30am and I haven't eaten anything, it doesn't feel right.
Another thing I found at the bulk food store is bulk cases of Ensure Plus. Now, I don't recommend this as a cost-effective thing to supplement your diet, but now that I have a bit of spare cash, I decided to splurge. They're about $30 for a case of 24, but they're the perfect size to suck down 350 calories once in the morning before work and once before bed.
Eating before bed is also another thing. Before, I kind of went overboard with eating before lying down and that leads to a lot of discomfort. I've found a good balance of having just a reasonably-sized meal and waiting about 10 or 15 minutes before is perfect.
If I can just keep this up, in just over a month I should be nearing that evil 250. With the amount of encouragement I've gotten, especially from the guys on Grommr, I think I can do it!
Week Three
I'm definitely settling into a consistent groove, here. Things are progressing very well and I'm nearing my old nemesis weight of 240 again. Things feel different this time, though. It is significantly easier this time around to keep myself eating and meeting my calorie goals every day.
It really is a combination of things, is the best I can offer. Settling into a routine of eating at the same time every day. Keeping snacks handy and a stocked kitchen. Making a meal something you can't wait for, instead of something you need to remind yourself to do.
But there's something else this time. I don't know what it is, but it's something. Maybe it's the re-emergence of a new online gainer social community (which if you haven't joined yet, get on it!!) full of huge men to admire. Maybe it's that I have a desk job. Maybe it's as simple as having more money now.
At least, even if I can't explain why, I'm finally getting fat again. It's time to reach new heights.
Week Two
I'm deep enough into my gaining now that I've settled into a routine. Having a 9-to-5 job (and the money that comes with it) really helps, not only because I'm sitting on my rump all day. After squeezing into my pants, I have a quick breakfast, and make sure to pack all kinds of snacks in my bag before I leave. After snacking all day and a big lunch, by the end of each day I leave feeling bigger than when I arrived.
I'm not sure if it's this routine or if it's my own growing desire for size, but it feels easier to stay on track this time around. I've been recording all of my calories and I haven't missed a goal yet. As a result, I'm falling in love with my body again. I'm doing my best not to get too prideful, because I still have a long way to go, but I think I have quite a lot to be proud of so far.
On a related note, some people were asking for progress pictures, so I took a handful the other night, and even a video because I felt the pictures weren't doing justice. They can be found on my Flickr page here.
Week One
This morning was a bit nerve-wracking. For almost a year now, I've avoided the scale because I knew I wouldn't like what I saw. I only forced myself to get my weight last week because I wanted a starting point, and it was hard to see how low I'd fallen. The scale was still an enemy.
Today we had a serious standoff. It's only been seven days since I started my regain but I desperately wanted to if I had made progress. I knew I did well. I started tracking my calories on MyPlate and never went under my daily goal. I haven't missed a gym day since moving in here. I started taking snacks to work and always eating breakfast. Even my work pants started to get pretty snug, so I knew I made progress.
But still, I knew that if I got on that scale with such confidence--as I have done many times before--only to learn that I had made no or negative progress, it would crush me. The scale doesn't lie to me. It can be a very heartless beast. But other times it is a source of great validation and motivation.
And in I couldn't keep myself from doing it. I had to know if I was truly on my way back up--and I am! I weighed 226.8 pounds this morning. Not yet a weight I can be proud of, but that amounts to a full 8-pound gain in just one week! Perhaps a new record for me. I have more motivation than ever to keep up the effort. It's becoming more and more enjoyable to go past my limits and I make a vow now to see progress every week until I get back to where I left off, no matter what.
Damage Report
This morning I officially weighed myself for the first time in months. The scale read 218 pounds. A weight I hadn't seen since late 2007 when I hit 220 for the first time.
The strange thing was, though, that I didn't feel like I had lost over thirty(!) pounds. I still had a little gut to play with, my legs were still flabby and I still had my favorite paunch. The only thing I knew was wrong was that my clothes were all too loose. It wasn't until I started looking through my old pictures that I started to notice. Even though I like my body as it is now, I am enamored with how I looked at 250. What I have now is nothing compared to what I loved about my 250lb body.
What's more, putting pictures of me now versus me at my highest weight side-by-side really helped me see just how more weight looks on me. It also helped me picture myself at weights I have yet to achieve, and I'm mesmerized with the thought of new, unrealized weights and I'm dying to get my weight back--I need more!
Months of watching videos of my favorite gainers, drawing impossibly fat men and lusting over gaining weight again have really helped with my kickstart. I've started counting my calories again, started shopping for more food (despite the higher cost of groceries here--bah!), and I'm recruiting my boyfriend for more help. And everyone's words of encouragement have been massive motivation! Thank you all.
Let the regain begin!
A Fresh Start
Looks like I'm back at it again!
This time last year, there were many aspects of my life that I wanted to change. I wanted a better job, a better apartment in a better town with more opportunities and, of course, a better body--and I was only really working towards one of those. And without the others, I would never achieve what I wanted. So, I put my gaining dreams on hold, as much as it pained me. I watched the pounds slip away so very quickly as I put more focus on employment. Without constant attention, I couldn't even maintain the weight I had gained. I lost so much weight that I had to poke three holes in my belt to get my work clothes to fit me. My self esteem seemed to dip as my weight neared 200lbs again.
But yet, I pressed on and made the best of it. I worked out much more frequently to give myself a nice muscular base to build on, and daydreamed about my plans for when I eventually restarted my gaining. As a result, I started doodling quite a bit, and began posting to deviantART. That gave me a lot of motivation.
Now, as I type this, I'm in an amazing apartment in a high rise outside Washington, DC. My cousin had a wonderful connection to a company that was absolutely perfect for me, and I just started there yesterday. Things have very fortuitously turned out for the best, after all my hard work, so now I feel like putting some of that work into getting bigger again.
I may still have my metabolism to work against, but the apartment complex we live in has a great free gym, there's a huge mirror in my bedroom for measuring progress, and I'm making enough money to stock my fridge, I'd say I've got a good shot this time.
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