Hiatus

Goodness it's been a while.

Those two articles really got under my skin, it seems. Not the articles themselves, but rather the attention it granted me. I never intended to become such a media focus, and I suppose it's my fault for doing the first interview in the first place.

At any rate, it's rather killed my motivation. I haven't been tracking my calories for a couple months, but thankfully I haven't fallen behind in progress. Or advanced any, either. I suppose this introspective time has gotten me thinking. I've been fluctuating between 240 and 250 for years now, and perhaps I should take the hint my body is giving me.

Not that this is anything to be depressed about, though. I've been working out like crazy and am in pretty dire need of an actual gym membership. So, I've decided to focus on bodybuilding until my body is ready to continue growing. It's not lot I'm eating less, I'm just focusing less on it.

As a result though, I don't really have much to talk about here. So, I'm going to continue to be quiet on gitbigger.com until the time comes. Until then, you can find me on growingguys, as well as Twitter and Flickr, if you wish to keep up with me.

Once again, thank you everyone for your support over the years. Do not take this as a goodbye, because I will be as active as ever. Don't be a stranger.

Another Article

I came home to a handful of snide comments in my inbox today, and I had no idea why. Turns out, this blog was referenced in yet another newspaper article today. Unlike the last one, I had no idea this one was coming out, so I was curious as hell to find out what it was about.

Turns out, the article was actually just a review of the new TV show Huge with a one-paragraph lead-in referencing my blog. A completely random reference, if you ask me. It only mentioned the topic of my last blog post, as well as a reworded description of me copied from the box to the right there. It was quite lazy, considering that the theme of my blog is completely different from that of that TV show. The show is about an overweight girl who feels like she shouldn't hate her body or something. This blog is more about wanting to change your body.

But I imagine that the author went with my blog because it's really the only one out there these days, despite her claims to the otherwise. I feel like someone really needs to explain what 'gaining' is to the New York Times. We know you are against the fat-acceptance movement, Times, but this is kind of a different thing. The author seems quite lazy overall, though I suppose that's indicative of a dying newspaper industry.

While I do appreciate the opinions expressed on my blog throughout the day today, unfortunately I had to delete them (and disable commenting for a while). I know people who followed that link are compelled to try and talk some sense into me, but forgive me if I don't feel like being patronized. I try to give the impression that I'm not some yokel feasting on sticks of butter, so please don't assume I am.

Update: Another article mentioning me was posted today. Ho jeez. And I don't even give a damn about the fat acceptance movement.

Stepping Up

I've been tracking my calories for almost six months now. As annoying as it was at first to remember to write things down at first, now it's practically a habit now. It's given me a great look at how my body works. At first, I estimated that I burned 2500 calories a day, which I upped to 3000 as I got heavier.

Now, though, I'm working out regularly and working 40 hours a week; I'm burning more calories per day than ever. Thankfully, eating 3000 calories a day is becoming effortless, so I simply need to set my bar higher. I even have money again, now that I have that job. The trouble is, I have less time to eat than I used to.

I'm actively looking for new ways to fit more food into my diet. I wish I knew how some people can just unconsciously consume so much. What I need is a food mentor, of sorts--a reverse diet coach.

Shapes

I finally got around to joining that growingguys website. It's really nice to see all my favorite big guys in one place--very inspiring to say the least. I wanted to thank everyone who greeted me and send messages, it was very flattering.

Unfortunately, working so hard at that damn job has cause me to lose a noticeable amount of weight recently. Since my diet hasn't changed a bit, I suppose that just means I'm burning more calories. I've adjusted my intake goals accordingly, so I've no worries. As far as the work goes, I don't have as many belly sightings as I did at my previous post, but I suppose I don't hate it that much. I've still got hopes for the next year or so, so they haven't crushed my spirit just yet.

On the plus side, though, I've gotten in pretty good shape over the past month. Between the few days of cardio I do a week and all the running about I do at work, I'm rarely winded anymore. On top of that, my muscles are just about to the point where they were when I lost real gym access, and my chest has grown to the point that I can't stop playing with it. If I suck in my gut enough, it almost looks like I'm an off-season gym rat or something. A little:

From time to time, I have a small desire to be a just-muscular guy. Of course, being muscular is more socially acceptable and admirable, and I suppose that's why the urge arises from time to time. I like to flex in the mirror sometimes, and maybe puff out my chest at work to see if anyone notices. Perhaps that's the vain side of me wanting some attention.

I don't much like that side of me, though. It's too focused on what I feel like everyone thinks I should look like. I'd rather go for what I want to look like.

Working

Quite a bit has happened in the past month and I suppose that's why I haven't posted in a while. A few days after the health care bill passed, my parents got notice from their insurance company that, to cut costs, they would be dropping any dependents who were on their family plans who did not still live at home. Since I did not plan on moving back in with my mother and father again, I was forced to find another option for insurance--which meant, basically, I need a job. At the same time, my sister told me that a Starbucks in town needed some help and that she could get me back in with the company.

Sadly, this place was nearly at the bottom of my choices for work. Back when I first started this blog, I had just started there for the first time. I quit because I was giving up food service for what I thought was the last time. I had high hopes because the economy was finally picking back up again, but I needed a job--and insurance--right then and there, so I took the offer. I was holding out for a nice office job because it'd be a perfect way to be lazy and make money, but I suppose you gotta do what you gotta do.

So, it's been a week and I'm starting to get my barista legs back. I got some new, comfortable clothes and am making the best of it. I may have to move around a lot and I don't have much time to eat anymore, but at the end of the night, there's always a lot of free food to take home and I think I look good in the apron. (I got called a 'bearista' by someone and it made me grin.)

So that's where I'm at right now. I was in a sour mood because of this whole situation, so I wasn't in the journal-posting mood, but now that my routine is settling back into place, I can get back to business.

Interviewed

About a month ago, I got an interview request from a Canadian newspaper, in response to that Donna Simpson woman who made some noise talking about how she wants to be the world's fattest woman. I agreed to do the interview, and it was a pretty pleasant experience.

The article got published today. Somewhat late to the party, but still an interesting read. It ended up focusing more on me than gainers as a whole, so it's rather embarrassing for me to read. The author ended up posting a link to this blog, so I suppose I should acknowledge the extra traffic I'm getting today.

I hope I did a good job making gainers seem not entirely crazy, because truth be told, we are a bunch of freaks. Sure, there are some really crazy people among us, but that's true with anything in this vein. I guess I'm used to being a deviant, though. I expect people to not understand because even I don't really understand. Just like the author of that article repeated a few times, I just do what feels natural. Still, with all the other crazy shit people blog about these days, I hope I'm not the craziest you've ever seen.

But fear not, Canadians. I am not a leech on your health care system, for I am just another overweight American. I imagine it's more unusual for Canadians to hear about stupid fat people doing stupid fat people things. We're used to it down here in the States, I suppose. It's what we do.

Sizing Up

I'm making an odd amount of progress lately. In just the past week, I've apparently gained three pounds. And it's noticeable too.

As a result, though, I had no choice but to get some new clothing. Apparently, though, I'm in a size range that designers don't seem to think about much. Looking for shorts the other day, I discovered I'm about a size 42. The trouble is, most regular size shorts only go up to 40, and Big and Tall sizes are no smaller than 44. Fortunately, I only barely squeeze into these 42s that I found, so hopefully I won't be in this awkward size for long.

In addition, I decided I should probably move up to size XL shirts. Vacuuming out my car the other day, I noticed that bending down resulted in some pretty extreme plumber's crack. The other trouble is, most larger-sized shirts are just scaled-up normal sizes, so they end up being really long (like, down to my knees long) or the sleeves are big enough for my legs to fit through. I did discover (and here's a good gainer tip, I suppose) that 'fitted' tshirts work pretty well if you stretch out the belly. So I bought a few of them.

I always knew that outgrowing clothing and searching for stylish bigger clothing would be kind of a pain as I got bigger, but for some reason, I kind of like this side-effect of gaining. Something about how uncommon my body is becoming is kind of nice. Every time I pick up a bigger size, I think "This thing is huge! There's no way I could fit into it." But, lo and behold, the pair of shorts that I thought were big enough to use as a sail end up being too small for me!

Anyway, some people have been asking about a new video. It's been almost a year since my last one, so I thought maybe I could do a "250lbs... again" video or something, but at this rate, maybe I'll just wait until 260. As long as I didn't just jinx myself.

Gym Fat

I recently rediscovered the little 'gym' in my apartment complex. They added this nifty cable machine that covers my needs pretty well, so I started going a few times a week. It's usually empty at night, which is a little creepy, but I don't much mind.

It had been almost 9 months since I last worked out. The day after I first went there, I literally couldn't get out of bed my arms were so sore. Not having a free full-service gym like I had in college really discourages you from going--that and when it's cold I never feel like leaving the apartment. But I had forgotten how much healthier (and bigger) going to the gym makes me feel.



I had always wanted to make sure I have a big upper body to match my lower half. (In a perfect world, something like Dozerbear's) So far it seems to be working well. I measured my chest last night to find it was 51" around--two inches bigger than my gut. I never really thought of myself as having a big chest, but I'm starting to notice it more and more. The giant mirror in that workout room certainly helps.

Oh, and this morning the scale told me 250lbs! I'm going to wait until tomorrow to start celebrating, though--just in case.

Gaining Fire

Hoo, it's been a little while hasn't it. At my last weigh-in, I tipped the scales at just under 249 lbs. On an absolutely full stomach the night before, my gut was 50" around--52" sitting down! I felt on top of the world, knowing that 250 was right around the corner.

The next day, though, I caught the flu. I was feeling like shit, but the fire to gain still burned inside me. So, I had a big breakfast despite my low appetite... which ended up being a really bad idea. I ended the day with a big fat zero on my calorie sheet, though it probably ended up being a negative intake, all things considered.

Either way, that's why I didn't post anything recently. I didn't want to dwell on how much weight I lost because of those few days of sickness, because the truth is I don't have anything to whine about. My desire to gain is one of the few things that keeps me going, lately. It seems to lift me up when I'm down. I know a lot of people are concerned that I might regret what I'm doing (especially because all of the noise FatFanPlus has been making lately--don't get me started), and I know I'll never be able to fully convince anyone of my desires, but it's moments like I had last week that prove it at least to myself.

Enamored

Lately I've been infatuated with the physics of my belly. I'm starting to notice how it moves with me, how it gets in the way, and it makes me daydream about how it will feel when I'm bigger. The more attention I pay to it, the easier it becomes to imagine sizes like 300, 400. I like to think I don't romanticize it, but I can't help lusting over those sizes.

I find myself constantly noticing my own size even now. Like, how when I lean to one side, I feel a roll form around my love handle. How my upper back is getting softer and is beginning to naturally fold over the small of my back. How all my pants' waistbands are permanently folded on the front.

I love it. I love every little change that comes about from my growth. I want more. More growth, more changes. When I look at myself in the mirror, I love what I see more and more. Whenever I take a photo with my camera, though, it looks smaller. I've always had that problem--the camera always seemed to take weight off of my frame (and put it in my head, apparently). I'll keep trying though.

Ten Up

Still unemployed over here in snowy Kentucky. Gradually I seem to need to lower my standards more and more until I'll end up working at Starbucks again or something. Thankfully, both my parents and my in-laws donated grocery store gift cards to us, so I've been able to stick to my diet.

I've been keeping pretty detailed track of my calories every day for the past five weeks. Since I have a pretty simple diet, it's been easy to keep track of what I eat. I'm so glad that most fast food places keep their nutritional info online, but sometimes I just have to guess (I'm looking at you, every Chinese restaurant ever).

Still, things are actually progressing well with my weight. This morning I weighed about 245, which is a gain of about ten pounds since starting this plan. I can really feel this weight, too; it's much more noticeable and tangible. When I do finally get back to 250, it'll be interesting to see the difference between that weight and the first time I weighed that much.

I'm dying to feel it again. I'm already so attracted to this weight, I want more. And so does my boyfriend, now. Slowly he's turning into a real encourager.

The Curse of 240

My body loves being 240 pounds. It loves it so much that it doesn't want to let go. So much so that it seems to be ignoring the basic rules for weight gain. That being, a 240lb body burns ~2500 calories a day, and anything beyond that is stored. 3500 stored calories then amount to a pound.

This 'rule' is what I've been basing my new diet on. I aim to eat 4000 calories a day. It's actually been a very easy target to achieve, given the resources. Under no circumstance am I ever to eat less than 2500 calories a day. Even if I'm sick and vomiting. Even if there's no food in the house. This way I should never see a decline in my weight, and theoretically gain about three pounds a week.

Then again, it's rarely worked for me like that in actuality. There've been times in the past where I've gained a lot faster than I should have and of course there have been times where I've eaten 10-pounds-worth of calories and not seen a change at all.

Since starting this diet two weeks ago I have almost gained the six pounds I should have, but on the other hand, I'm really tired of seeing 240. I've hit this milestone probably a dozen times--the first time being nearly two years ago! I would have been ecstatic to see 241. Or even 240.1. But my new scale proudly announced two-hundred and forty.

I never want to see that number again. Ever.

I'm going to go eat.